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First and foremost, you should know that while you are in the hospital after the delivery of the child you intend to place for adoption, the child is your child. Not a ward of the state. Not the adoptive parent’s child. The child is your child. You are not only responsible for the decisions but you are allowed to make said decisions, no matter what someone else may try to tell you. Don’t allow the opinions of the staff to alter how you feel about or react to your time in the hospital.
Knowing that some people may try to get around your rights as the sole mother of the child, you should plan a few things ahead of time. If you are 100% certain of your decision to place, you can go ahead and discuss these things with your child’s adoptive parents ahead of time. If you’re still unsure, let them know that you will be making decisions while the child is in the hospital and that you will go forward from that point.
What are some decisions you will have to make?
1. Will you room in with your baby?
You can choose to have your baby sleep in your room, spending as much time as possible with your child before the decision to relinquish. You will then be in charge of midnight feedings and diaper changing. You can decide, on the other hand, to allow the nurses to care for your child in the nursery during the overnight hours. If you are breastfeeding (see the next point), the nurses will bring your baby to you when it is time for a feeding. There are two arguments for and against either point. One, you want to spend as much time with your child while she is still legally yours. Two, you need to sleep and recover. It will be up to you in the end but I’d lean toward keeping your baby with you as much as possible.
2. Will you breastfeed your baby?
Many agencies will automatically tell you not to do so, claiming that the bond it creates with the child will be too strong for you to break with placement. Quite honestly, they’re most interested in what results in the placement of a baby and not what you feel is best for your child. Furthermore, if adoptive parents can bond just find without breastfeeding, chances are that you will already feel bonded to your child due to the nine months he has just spent kicking your bladder and ribs. If you feel like breastfeeding is something you want to do, go for it.
3. Will you choose to abstain from certain procedures?
Have you read up on certain vaccinations that are given to newborns? Do you agree or disagree with these procedures? As your child is in your care at this point, you can either mandate that they receive the normal things, pick and choose what you want him to receive or decide against them altogether. Don’t make the decision on the fly, however. Read up on the Vitamin K shot, Hepatitis B vaccine, antibiotic eye ointment and the normal screening test performed on newborns (pros and cons) before letting the hospital staff know your decisions.
4. Will your male child have a circumcision?
I will be honest with you: this is a heated debate. There are those that are very pro-circumcision and those who are very anti-circumcision. I will not enter the debate nor will I give you any pros or cons here. I will let you know, however, that as the child’s mother, you are going to have to make this decision while in the hospital. Research all you can ahead of time and be sure to let the hospital know your decision when it is time.
5. Who will visit your child? (Or, more importantly, who will not visit your child?)
You have the say as to who comes and goes from your hospital room and the nursery. If you do not want certain people to visit your child, let the staff know. This is your decision. If you do not feel comfortable with the adoptive parents coming and going at will, please let the staff know. If you are met with resistance regarding that point, speak to someone higher up on the staff. Your rights and desires are to be met at this time despite a nurse’s personal belief. Similarly, if you are being told that you need to spend more time with your child and you are not comfortable with it, please tell the staff to stop pushing their opinions down your throat. This is your time. Choose how you will spend it and with whom you will spend it.
I’ll soon talk about the process of leaving the hospital.
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