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I came across an “article” regarding open adoption on an adoption attorney’s website. I’m considering writing this attorney a letter. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me explain why I’m riled up.
First and foremost, the article completely neglects to address the reason openness exists: to benefit the child. It also doesn’t address grief or loss experience by birth parents or adoptees. Instead, the article ends with this gem:
It is much easier for adoptive parents to really feel the child is there [sic] own if there is minimal interference from the biological parents but sometimes it just isn’t an option.
And that, of course, is why I’m riled up. (And not just the misspelling of “there” when they meant to say “their” … though that did make my head explode just a little bit.)
That’s where the title of this post comes in: adoptive parent insecurities are not the birth parents’ fault. (This is speaking in generalized terms, referring to domestic newborn adoption. I know that there are always exceptions to the rule.) Unless a birth parent is making actual threats of taking the child back or undermining your authority during a visit, there is absolutely nothing to be insecure about regarding a relationship. The large majority of open adoption birth parents want their children to feel that stability with their adoptive parents. They don’t want to confuse their child or create issues in which the child feels an internal tug-of-war. They want their child’s parents to feel 100% involved with and attached to the child.
Another phrase that gets to me, of course, is “minimal interference.” Interference? Let me tell you about “interference.” You know what? My life would be “easier” if we didn’t have to go to three different houses on holidays to celebrate with the various parts of my Husband’s family that refuse to dine together due to divorce or stubbornness about where they eat and when they eat. But because they are family, we trudge ourselves all over the south eastern portion of our state and we do it with a smile. Why? Because we love our family. We respect their decisions. And we want our children to be exposed to their family.
And finally, the last point of this sentence that is off base: if you don’t want an open adoption, don’t say you do just to procure a child. This drives me batty and unfortunately I see it with regularity. I am tired of seeing adoptive parents instructed to agree to something that is above and beyond what they can handle just so they can be matched with an expectant family considering adoption. I’m not saying that we can’t ever revisit what we have agreed to and discuss whether current arrangements are working for the entire group. I’m saying that when families are agreeing to any number of things that they never plan to follow through with, well, it smacks of fraud, dishonesty and buying a baby with broken promises. Sadly, it’s not always the sole fault of the adoptive family. As you can see here, too many families are being lead to do this by professionals that they trust.
It’s no wonder that so many open adoptions fail when professionals are setting families up for failure.
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For more on open adoptions, read these posts.
This, and so many other things, show time and time again just how desperately pre-adoption education is required for pre-adoptive parents. I felt that ours was lacking, once we got into parenting Nate and I did a lot of research on my own beforehand, but our agency didn’t do much at all. People just shouldn’t get into adoption unless they know everything that they’re going to be faced with — OH, and that everything needs to be, um, legal and ETHICAL and take the needs of the expectant mother/parents and especially child into consideration.
GRRRR!!!
Not is, rather SHOULD BE
wow, what a great blog.
you’ve voiced my own opionion perfectly.
after i relinquished my daughter 23 years ago, i spent 3 years doing panels for prospective adoptive parents to give them the birth/first parent perspective of the process. i would tell my story, and usually this involved a few tears and quite a bit emotion on my part. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of couples have approached me after these talks, thanking me for “educating” them about the love and self sacrifice that is required on the part of the birthparent to secure their child a better environment then they themselves can provide. Many couples had tears in their eyes, and told me my story both eased their fears and opened their hearts to the other side of the adoption process.
i truly believe that most adoptive parents want what is best for their new child, and for their family as well. the problem is that birthparents are still stigmatized as losers who abandon their children instead of parents who love their children so much they are willing to suffer the ultimate loss and grief that accompanies even the best of adoptions.
i wish there was more i could do…it’s really a matter of public education. we’ve all heard the horror stories about both sides of the adoptive triangle — but there are so many more stories of love, respect, compassion, and beautiful relationships that occur as a result of open adoptions.
i myself was 17 when i delivered, and at 40, not only do i have a BEAUTIFUL relationship with my wonderful, secure daughter, but i also have a surrogate set of parents in her parents…we are all bound together not only by love for her but by the deep bonds we have formed over the last 23 years.
oh, how i wish this for every birth/adoptive family, and especially for their children…