I came across an "article" regarding open adoption on an adoption attorney's website. I'm considering writing this attorney a letter. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me explain why I'm riled up.

First and foremost, the article completely neglects to address the reason openness exists: to benefit the child. It also doesn't address grief or loss experience by birth parents or adoptees. Instead, the article ends with this gem:

It is much easier for adoptive parents to really feel the child is there [sic] own if there is minimal interference from the biological parents but sometimes it just isn’t an option.

And that, of course, is why I'm riled up. (And not just the misspelling of "there" when they meant to say "their" ... though that did make my head explode just a little bit.)

That's where the title of this post comes in: adoptive parent insecurities are not the birth parents' fault. (This is speaking in generalized terms, referring to domestic newborn adoption. I know that there are always exceptions to the rule.) Unless a birth parent is making actual threats of taking the child back or undermining your authority during a visit, there is absolutely nothing to be insecure about regarding a relationship. The large majority of open adoption birth parents want their children to feel that stability with their adoptive parents. They don't want to confuse their child or create issues in which the child feels an internal tug-of-war. They want their child's parents to feel 100% involved with and attached to the child.

Another phrase that gets to me, of course, is "minimal interference." Interference? Let me tell you about "interference." You know what? My life would be "easier" if we didn't have to go to three different houses on holidays to celebrate with the various parts of my Husband's family that refuse to dine together due to divorce or stubbornness about where they eat and when they eat. But because they are family, we trudge ourselves all over the south eastern portion of our state and we do it with a smile. Why? Because we love our family. We respect their decisions. And we want our children to be exposed to their family.

And finally, the last point of this sentence that is off base: if you don't want an open adoption, don't say you do just to procure a child. This drives me batty and unfortunately I see it with regularity. I am tired of seeing adoptive parents instructed to agree to something that is above and beyond what they can handle just so they can be matched with an expectant family considering adoption. I'm not saying that we can't ever revisit what we have agreed to and discuss whether current arrangements are working for the entire group. I'm saying that when families are agreeing to any number of things that they never plan to follow through with, well, it smacks of fraud, dishonesty and buying a baby with broken promises. Sadly, it's not always the sole fault of the adoptive family. As you can see here, too many families are being lead to do this by professionals that they trust.

It's no wonder that so many open adoptions fail when professionals are setting families up for failure.

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For more on open adoptions, read these posts.




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