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I recently came across a blog that hit on the “wrong reasons” to adopt a child. It got me pondering about the many “wrong reasons” for various things in the birth parent realm of action. I don’t see comprehensive lists like those anywhere, so let’s consider.
What are the wrong reasons to place your child? What are some wrong reasons for actions within an open adoption relationship? And what are some wrong reasons for actions when you consider search and reunion?
First and foremost, you should never relinquish your child just because someone in your family thinks or says that you should. Many of my birth mother sisters from the closed era were forced to do so by their own families. That’s not the way it needs to be now. There are resources for you even if your family chooses not to be an available resource.
Furthermore, money should never be the biggest motivating factor behind placement. Financial situations can change for you (meaning for the better) and there aren’t any guarantees that an adoptive family you choose won’t struggle financially from time to time.
And I’ll just hit on a few more, rather quickly. You can get your college education with a child underfoot; ask my parents. You can still have fun in your twenties while raising children; you have no idea what fun is until you have children. Your social life will not die and, in fact, it might expand. While there are still very evident social stigmas against single mothers, don’t forget that by placing, you’d just be trading the social stigma of single motherhood for the social stigma of a mother who “gives her baby away.”
There are plenty of good reasons for placing your child. But don’t allow yourself to buy into the lies. Moving along.
Many times, in open adoption relationships, birth parents think that they can bow out quietly and gracefully for any number of skewed reasons. Some think that they are of no use to their child. Some think that they are hindering the (adoptive) parents’ relationship with the child.
Both of these are myths. Why? Children always need more love. Add in the fact that you can provide answers when the child is ready to ask and you are a vital resource to your child. What if your child never asks? You were still there. As for the adoptive parents’ relationship with the child, well, that’s none of your doing. Whether you are present for birthday parties or occasional visits should have no bearing on whether or not they are able to bond with the child. If you were not in the physical picture, your being would still be present in the aura of your child. As such, some parents are going to find difficulty with that fact whether or not you show up for that birthday party. It is not your issue and don’t take it upon yourself. You hold up your role and your promises to your child and allow others to deal with their own issues in their own time.
As for reunion, first parents often worry about searching for their relinquished child. “I don’t want to intrude in her life.” “He hasn’t needed me up to now so why bother?” To be frank, some of this might be what your child feels, possibly due to anger issues. But you’ll never know if you don’t try. Your child, now an adult, will be able to tell you whether or not they want that relationship. You won’t be left wondering. And, if you’re basing your lack of search or a refusal to enter into reunion with a child that has located you based on what your friends, family (husband, parents, parented children) or random strangers will think, well, to be frank, you need to suck it up and consider something other than your own uncomfortable feelings. Your husband might get mad? Well, he made a vow to love you through good times and bad. Remind him of those and seek out counseling if necessary but inform him that you’re not going to choose between one or the other. You shouldn’t ever have to do such a thing! Your parents might be peeved? You’re an adult and you can make your own choices. Your children might be confused? Be honest. If they feel lied to because it hasn’t been brought up until now, apologize for lying (even if you didn’t ever directly lie) and promise to be honest with them about this situation from here on. And keep that promise!
As you can see from reading through all of this, we often let others’ beliefs or fears hinder and create our “own” decisions in adoption related issues. When it comes down to it, you should be considering your child first and foremost and then others in the secondary. Yes, our decisions regarding adoption issues do affect others. We shouldn’t blatantly ignore them. However, we shouldn’t do something that we don’t want to or neglect to do something we do want to do simply because someone else is uncomfortable. Force them to look at themselves and figure out why they are so bothered.
Have you been forced to do something in your adoption relationship because of someone else? We’ve recently had some commenters speak out about being forced to place. I’d love to talk with a few of you if you are interested. Please leave a comment about any of these stories!
(Small but Necessary Disclaimer: If you placed for any of these reasons, closed an adoption for those reasons or didn’t search or refused a reunion for those reasons, you are not a bad person. I am not saying you are a bad person. I am merely trying to help others from making unnecessary choices between their child and others’ opinions in the future. You can help, too. Speak up about your situation!)
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For more on society and placement, read these posts.
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