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I think if there’s one thing that birth parents are really, really good at, it’s worrying. Whether involved in closed or open adoptions, good or not so good, our hearts always seem to come back to a series of worries, questions and fears. I’m not calling us a bunch of Negative Nancies. I’m not even calling this a flaw. In fact, the best parents are the ones who consider certain things and, yes, even worry.
We worry about how our child is being raised. Is she happy? Is she loved? Is she having enough fun? Is he having to much fun? We worry about their education. Is he smart? Is she gifted? Is he struggling? Is the school system good enough? Will she be challenged enough? We worry about health. Is he healthy? Does she have any of my health issues? Is he growing at an acceptable rate? Will she be tall? Will he be short? We worry about their personalities. Is he like me? Is she shy? Is he the class clown? Is she a social butterfly? We worry about our children, just like every other mom and dad.
We also have additional worries thrown in for some extra pizazz. We worry about the relationship we have with the adoptive parents, whether in an open adoption or in reunion. Am I stepping on toes? Do they really like me or is this just a show? Am I pushing too hard or do they actually see me as aloof? We worry about the open adoption relationship being closed if we make a mistake. Did they understand what I said? Should I have worded it differently? If I have to cancel this visit, will I be risking everything? We worry about that first reunion meeting. Do I look all right? Will they think me classy enough? Will they think me snobby? Do I sound educated enough? What if I stumble on my words because I’m so emotional? What if I cry?! We worry about visits with extended family members. Do they think that I don’t belong here? That I’m intruding? Do they want me to leave? Are they judging me. The list goes on.
Of course, the trick is not to dwell in the worry. I’ve found that it’s okay to entertain these thoughts for short periods of time and maybe even a little longer when you’re on your own. However, if you’re actively on a visit, shoving them to the back of your mind, while difficult, is a necessity. Staying present in the moment will actually clear up some of those fears and worries. You might stumble over your words less if you’re not worrying about them. You might not step on toes if you aren’t worried about doing so.
The other things, the everyday worries, however, are things we learn to live with, as parents or birth parents or grandparents or whomever. These are the things, minus the physical shelter and the unconditional love a child, that we really can’t control no matter who we are to the child in question. As long as your child is being physically cared for and loved fully, the worries are somewhat useless. Our children will grow and become their own person. Sometimes we get to help shape that when we’re doing the actual parenting. You can also argue that your genetic makeup, passed on to your child, helps shape that a little as well. If you’re an active participant in your child’s life via open adoption, you can also pass on some great seeds to sow over the years. But, in the end, our children make their own decisions, become who they want to be and we, as parents of any kind, take a backseat. I know we don’t worry any less but knowing that the worry won’t solve anything might make it a little easier to handle.
