Wingsofafairy, Jenna’s post seems to imply that she has an almost unlimited right to vent. Do you feel there are any limits that you would expect to be observed? It sure seems like the birthparent feels a sense of ownership of the adoptive parents. John

Second, this comment is for John. I am the adoptive mother of Munchkin. And, no, we never agreed to be Jenna’s therapist or “buddy for life”. However, we ARE friends. She’s one of my best friends. As with all friends, I am there for her, whatever the issue. Yes, adoption included.

As far as making a committment to Jenna, yes we did. A committment which encompasses everything it means to be Ariana’s parents and everything it means to uphold our MORALS. (Since open adoption isn’t LEGALLY binding)

If I needed marital counseling, no, I wouldn’t go to my next door neighbor. They aren’t involved in the marriage at all. I would go to counseling, AND my husband, since you know, he IS involved in the marriage. What purpose would it serve to not let him know about it? Problems can’t be solved without communication and knowledge.

OK,I’m rambling.

*steps down*

As far as helping her to process her grief, no I’m not sure a professional is always the best option. Though often (usually) I think that you DO need professional help in processing such a tramatic grief in your life. But when I went through some pretty major losses, my therapist was great, but often I just wanted my friends and family. They could and did help me much more in many ways.

If we had the financial resources and mom wasn’t getting help anywhere else we would be willing to help her get professional help. While our first responsibility lies with our family, we also know how important it is TO OUR CHILDREN that our children’s birth families are healthy too. And if there is a way that we can facilitate that healthiness, we will be happy and willing to do what we can.

Jenna, they made a lifetime committment to You??? Wow, that is a strange adoption. Every adoption I have ever heard of involves the adoptive parents making a lifetime committment to the CHILD. I think your husband is the one who made the lifetime committment to you. John

What I was questioning is the level of responsibility toward the birthmom specifically regarding her need to “process that grief and loss”. I meant that it seems to me that the people most qualified to have those conversation are your most intimate relationships and professionals.

I was not arguing for a family’s right to cease contact, or anything about the lifelong nature of the commitment.

Yes, in any lifelong committment, communication is essential. But a few things need to be in place before this type of communication can take place.

1. The concept of an “adoption marriage” needs to be fully explored, and agreed upon, by both parties. Some parents, be they adoptive or bithparents, may not be comfortable with that level of openness, so here is where good pre-match counseling by a competent worker comes in.

2. Related to number one is a good knowledge of what not just each set of parents’, but each individual parent’s, communication style is. What seems to one parent to be a reasonable way and amount of information to address the issue of her greiving may be totally overwhelming to another parent. Not necessarily because they are on “opposite” sides of the fence but because people’s communication styles can be so vastly different. I know with DH, he often needs time to process something I’ve said. Even if I’m bursting with angst and the need to “let it out” (which is perfectly valid), I’ve learned that bringing it up again before he’s done processing is not productive (equally valid). He feels overwhelmed and withdraws, further complicating the original issue. A good solution for me has been to take the issue in discussion to a close friend or a counselor. It’s a good compensatory strategy. My need to let it out and be heard is met while DH’s need to process at his own pace is resolved also. When he’s ready, we talk and resolve. Even in the best of marriages exist a need to compensate for others’ communication styles.

3. Open communication goes both ways. Even as birthparents request to be “heard” in their grieving, so too do adoptive parents have their grieving and issues to process. Hopefully, open communication extends to adoptive parent issues, too, such as: grief over infertility, the “loss” of a biological child, the constant need to deal with the “s/he looks different” questions in a way that is healthy for both aparent and child, possible difficulty dealing with the closeness and frequent presence of the birthparents, difficulties in parenting styles between the aparents, anxieties over discipline, etc? I would imagine these scenarios would be as hard for a birthparent to process, especially in connection to her child, as the posted scenario would be for adoptive parents. Again, there would be a need to respect the listening party’s communication style.

And, hopefully, the relationship, like a good marriage, becomes stronger and more resiliant over time.