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I read the sentence in my subject line in a this brief article that applauds New Jersey and their recent approval of a bill that allows adult adoptees to retain their Original Birth Certificates (OBC). I found myself nodding, feeling empathy for the many adoptees who are stifled and silenced by law makers and people in the general public who don’t often understand the process of adoption nor the emotions involved.
It’s made obvious that people don’t understand everything involved from the first comment on the page.
“Most of them need to put this behind them emotionally in order to go on with their lives.”
While you will find more mothers from the closed era who have managed to keep their relinquished child a secret over the years, I would be willing to guess that the majority of them didn’t ever forget. “Moving on” is a subjective term and usually involves a changing of one’s reality to incorporate the loss but still function in society. If there was a magic wand to erase the sting of birth parent loss, it would be handed out in maternity wards all over the country and this blog wouldn’t exist. Neither would the hundreds of first parent (both moms and dads) blogs that continue to pop up all over the internet.
And here’s where I launch into my sole opinion. As a birth parent, you may differ. But I encourage you to stop and think, for just a second, before moving on and writing it off as the same drivel you’ve read time and time again.
I don’t think that adoptees should defer to the wants of their biological families. I say wants because I don’t associate this topic with the life or death importance of a true “need.” Here’s my simple reasoning: as a birth parent, yes, my reality was changed by the relinquishment of my child. However, as an adoptee, the whole of their being was changed by the process. Name changes. Family removal. Medical history gone. Ancestry unknown. Whose reality change in more complex here? While it is true that some (many?) adoptees are very well-adjusted and don’t question anything, those who do have big things to say about it. Birth parents forced adoptees to accept their new reality without question. The adoptee was not asked if it was okay. The adoptee was not included in the decision making process. While many first parents would argue that they were deferring to the needs of the child over their own wants, it’s time to step up to the plate and accept responsilbility for, at the very least, medical information when the adoptee stands up and says, “These are my needs,” at the time of reunion.
You made a choice that forever changed someone else’s life. If someone did that to you, wouldn’t you want to know why? If someone else’s decision completely altered the course of your life, either positively or negatively, wouldn’t you want your chance to ask questions and receive answers? I would. (I acknowledge the lack of choic some mothers had due to family intervention. In that place, realize that your placed child would still want answers. Think about, in this case, what you would like to say to those who altered your life.)
I, for one, am overjoyed that adoptees are finally being given access to their Original Birth Certificates. It gives them the upperhand for once. They can research their original parents online as we live in an increasingly technological and, as such, connected world. They can make decisions, where they previously have had everything forced upon them, whether or not to go forward with additional contact. They can make the steps or they can sit on the info. Adoptees are finally given the power in the relationship.
For those birth parents who are scared by a lack of power should consider this quote from the article:
“If a birth mother doesn’t want a reunion and the adoptee becomes persistent, she can do what any other citizen is entitled to do: obtain a restraining order.”
Does that sound like “too much.” Then perhaps your heart is softer to the idea of your relinquished child contacting you than you thought. Research how your needs and wants differ from what your placed child might need or want. Get to the bottom of it before you’re presented with the issue of a letter, a phone call or an in-person visit. If necessary, seek out a qualified therapist to help you sort through the complex emotions that accompany this issue. Another thing to consider is a support group of other birth mothers and adoptees so that they might help you better get through this emotional journey.
Remember, even if you have held your secret for eons, you are never alone. There are others like you, maybe differing from case to case, but like you all the same, who would be more than willing to hold your hand as you find your way through this difficult maze.
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For more on reunion, read these posts.
