Why Do Adoptive Parents Close Adoptions?

I mentioned recently that adoptive parents often close adoptions for reasons based in fears, wrong assumptions or the inability to discern good advice from not-so-good advice. I don’t want you to think that gives you a free-for-all to act however you please and thus expect the adoptive parents to have an open door policy for you at all times.

That’s not the case.

There are legitimate reasons that adoptive parents close adoptions.

You have a drug or alcohol problem that you fail to control. I am also of the belief that this doesn’t necessarily need to be in the presence of the child. Those with alcohol and drug addictions can also act poorly when sober or “clean” if they suddenly become overwhelmed with the desire for their addiction.

You have been convicted of a crime that wasn’t based in self-defense. Sure, it would be great if they would visit you in jail but consider the complications that would cause for your child to view you in such a manner. If your crime was of a violent nature, you honestly shouldn’t have access to your child.

You are abusive.

You have had other children since removed from your care due to any of the above reasons.

You are unable, time and time again, to respect their boundaries.

The last item may be somewhat controversial. Perhaps you find one of their boundaries to be a little silly. As an example, the issue at hand could be as simple as not using certain words when you are visiting with your child. (This issue is actually big with me as we don’t use certain words in this household.) If you keep using words that they have deemed inappropriate, it shows a complete lack of respect for their parenting. While an issue like words may not seem like a “big enough” issue over which to close an adoption, it does show that there are deeper issues (regarding respect) which may manifest themselves in other ways. If you can’t show them respect in simple ways, how are they to know you will show respect when it truly counts?

Are you a bad person if you are experiencing any of the above issues? Not necessarily. The truth is that you can change if you want to do so. You may not magically be able to erase a conviction and remove yourself from jail, but you can get clean, sober and practice respect. You can take proper care of any children in your care and act appropriately in any relationships you have with other people. If the adoption has already been closed before you finish cleaning your act up, you’ll have to start from square one, reaching out again but knowing that they can possibly reject you. At that point, you will have to make the decision to live your life in an appropriate manner so that you are ready if they change their minds… or let yourself slip back into what lost your contact with the family in the first place.

The choice is up to you.

(I’ll talk about reasons that aren’t appropriate for closing an adoption soon.)

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