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With open adoption becoming more prevalent one may wonder why a first mother would choose to have a closed adoption. There are many reasons that a woman may choose to have a closed adoption with her child. These are just a few that I feel are perhaps the most common.
Guilt – Guilt is a big factor in many women’s choice to place. We feel guilty that we aren’t ready to parent, that natural families should be kept together. This guilt can very easily be something that a woman feels will be in her life constantly should she choose to keep contact with her child.
Pain – Pain is a part of adoption, pure and simple. All three sides of the triad experience it. No side has more or less pain than the other, the pain just happens at different times. Some people place and the pain is too overwhelming for them. They simply cannot cope with it at the time of placement and it appears that a closed adoption would be for the best, easier to put the child out of their mind. It doesn’t always work that way of course and sometimes women regret the choice to have a closed adoption because of the pain. The pain does recede some and isn’t as raw after awhile.
Low Self-Esteem – Many women that choose to place for adoption feel that they have nothing to offer their children. If we aren’t “good” enough to parent them then why should we be in their lives at all? Of course that isn’t the truth at all. We are good enough to be in our children’s lives as long as we are leading safe, healthy lives of our own.
Denial – Denial is a big thing in most adoptions, denial of pain, denial of what is going on around us. Without a good counselor it may be hard to work through those feelings. Denying that the child even exists is how some women cope with their adoption plan. It may not make sense and it may not appear to be the healthiest route, but it is the only route some women can take.
These are just a few reasons women may choose to place a child into a closed adoption. The reasons are just as varied as the women who choose to make an adoption plan for their baby. Nothing about it is easy, open or closed.
I am an adoptee and this is what has to stop the blame, the shame and the denial.Because it falls on all my abandoned brothers and sisters.
Teach love and responsibility of course there is a major reason one chooses to leave a child behind but, it doesn’t have to always be a devastion or worse your birth parents were crummy people. What a nice thing to feel about self.
Come on both moms learn to share in the childs world we can love each for two separate reasons.