e-mail
As I posted yesterday, we’re giving away a copy of The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. We’re hoping that others in the triad will join in the book tour scheduled for next month. While some argue that the book is for adoptees, as they’re the ones who have been affected the most by the adoption, still others argue that the book is for adoptive parents who are raising the child. I’m here to argue that while those other points are true, the book is also important for birth parents.
Why? Birth parents aren’t involved in the day-to-day raising of the child. Even birth parents who are fortunate enough to be involved in fully open adoption relationships complete with visits aren’t afforded the right to make decisions for the child outside of what to purchase for birthdays. Even more arguably are the birth parents in closed adoptions: why should they be reading this book? What’s done is done, right? Why should birth parents be reading a book as to how adoption possibly affects the adoptee?
Why not? More over, why wouldn’t you want to best prepare yourself for some of the issues that you might encounter either via eventual reunion or as your relinquished child grows if you’re involved in an open adoption. I am of the opinion that understanding things we might face better prepares us for how to address issues that arise over the years. The question comes back to, of course, that the birth parent can’t undo what has been done. The adoption is finalized. The records are sealed. No amount of reading and inner dialogue on the subject will magically undo what has been done. No amount of learning will erase the hypothesized primal wound. So why bother, right?
Verrier addresses the issue on her site in a special section for birth mothers. She does note that it can be hard to learn, as a birth mother, that you have a pivotal role in the causation of the primal wound. However, she goes on to offer birth mothers some encouragement on the subject.
Every adopted child has two mothers. You were and always will be the child’s mother. No one can take that away from you. The fact that circumstances, whether they be the societal mores of the time, financial considerations, or personal problems of another nature, made it impossible for you to parent the child, you are still a mother. As such, no matter when or at what age you child may come back into your life, you can be a great help to him or her. Adoption is a legal and societal solution to a problem (sometimes a problem which society itself creates). It has nothing to do with biology, psychology, or spirituality, although it can alter the latter two.
I do wonder, of course, why Verrier has chosen not to address birth fathers on her site. I do think that those fathers who have been involved in the placement of a child should both read the book and ask the same question I have just asked. While it is true that the biological father did not grow the child in his non-existent womb and therefore the child is not losing an immediate attachment upon placement in another family’s arms, there is a loss there. I’d like to see a book discuss the importance of fathers in our childrens’ lives and how their loss, through adoption or other means, serves to cause issues later in life. I digress.
The point is that many birth parents shy away from this book for a variety of reasons. They assume that the book is for adoptees. They assume that this book is a how-to for adoptive parents on combating some of the issues that may (or may not) arise. They also fear that this book will bring forth too much guilt and regret in their own lives as to what they may (or may not) have caused in their child’s life. Drop the first two assumptions: it is also written for you. As for the last reason, that fear, don’t ever let fear be the reason that you don’t do something. In fact, I bet a birth parent or two among us chose not to parent their child, but to relinquish, out of fear of the unknowns of parenthood.
Read it. Even if your relinquished child grows up and shuns the book, claiming that your love and devotion combined with the amazing way they were raised and loved by their adoptive parents has made them into the ultimate human being, you will have learned something new about a subject that does, at its very heart, involve you and your role.
(And, yes, I’m also going to tell hopeful adoptive parents and expectant parents considering placement to read this book as well. I’m not just picking on birth parents! Stay tuned!)
