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A question was posed of me recently:
Who is and is not appropriate to take along on an open adoption visit?
The question was posed by a birth mother involved in an open adoption with her son (3) and his family. She had recently started dating someone for the first time since placing her son and wondered if and when it was appropriate for him to accompany her on one of their visits. This one kind of stumped me as my husband was involved from a very early point.
I think this topic is something that comes down to boundaries. Who would you want your child to meet if you were parenting him? Would you let them meet every boyfriend or girlfriend that you had? Maybe. Maybe not. Your choices would (and should) be based on what you felt was best for your child. Usually it isn’t a great thing for kids to meet temporary boyfriends and girlfriends because they begin to feel that people are not permanent in their lives. The same should apply to your placed child. Don’t bring just any boyfriend or girlfriend along. When the relationship becomes permanent or you become engaged, there really isn’t any question left to ask. But bringing just anyone along is not the greatest idea.
Bringing friends along probably isn’t the best idea either. I know we all have friends we would like to meet our children, but bringing them along on visits might not appropriate. Visits are a time to spend with your child, enjoying your child and bonding with them. They aren’t meant as a time to hang out with your buddies. Be respectful about bringing friends along. If you need a ride to your visit and are getting one from your friend, just have them drop you off and say I’ll be ready to be picked up in a couple of hours or whatever. Obvious exceptions exist, of course. If you’re having your child’s family visit you at your home, chances are that you might want your friends to meet. Clear it ahead of time but a picnic for everyone involved (instead of a constant flow of people) could be really nice for all involved.
As far as family goes, different rules (might) apply. Your parents are your child’s biological grandparents. Grandparents are, often, great! Your brothers and sisters are also your child’s biological aunts and uncles. More love isn’t a bad thing. Conversation about appropriate titles should be had ahead of time with an agreement reached on such things between the adoptive parents and birth family before the event takes place.
In the end, it’s really important to ask yourself these questions:
Would I allow this person into my child’s life if I was parenting? Are there any reasons why this person would make the adoptive family uncomfortable? If so, is it more of a new-person issue or it it an issue that needs discussed in order to come to an appropriate conclusion?
Remember that while you are not your child’s everyday parent, you do influence his ideas. Who you bring into his life, as well, will influence him, too. Keep that in mind as you make your decisions and discuss them with the adoptive family.
