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In a recent post, one commenter asked what are considered “reasonable” expenses that an adoptive parent might pay to a pregnant women considering adoption. Legally speaking, most states probably have defined, at least loosely, which expenses are reasonable. If I were an adoptive parent and intended to pay for any expenses, I would check with an attorney with expertise in adoption law.
Reasonable expenses could be defined by dollar amount limits. Expenses which relate directly to the pregnancy or birth such as doctor or hospital bills might also qualify as “reasonable.” To pay for rent or other usual living expenses seems a bad precedent to me.
However, I see too many potential problems with having adoptive parents paying for ANY expenses of a pregnant woman or new mother who MAY place her child with them. The idea that you get “something for nothing” does not ring true for most people.
When a pregnant woman accepts financial help from adoptive parents, it may bind her to them and make her feel indebted to them. (Some agencies encourage the practice exactly for that reason.)I have heard several birth mothers say that at the last moment that they considering changing their minds and parenting, but did not want to renege on the “deal” and hurt the adoptive parents. Once a relationship has formed between the potential adoptive parents and the pregnant woman, it may be more difficult for her to back out of the adoption even if she really wants to do so.
In the past, some agencies told young mothers who wanted to cancel the adoption that they would have to first pay for the hospital bill or other expenses even when that was untrue. Threats were effective in convincing young women to not change their minds.
When and if a pregnant women really needs financial assistance, there are better ways to help her other than having an agency or adoptive parents pay for her expenses. For either an agency or adoptive parents to pay for expenses of a pregnant woman considering adoption creates too many potential conflicts.
Adoptive parents might be scammed if they provide money to a woman who says that she will place her baby with them. Although it is not common, there are some women with few morals who might pretend that they intend to place a baby with a couple when in actuality, they never intend to do so. In fact, one recent adoption scam featured a women who promised “her baby” to two different couples when she was not pregnant.
There are many valid reasons why it is a bad idea for adoptive parents to pay for any expenses of a pregnant women.
Further Reading:
The Journey – Part 3 – Parenting Resources
Aggressive Adoption Tactics – Newborn Adoptions
Photo by Jan Baker 2007
We are currently in a situation where mom could really use some financial help. She is a close friend, and if she were not considering adoption with us we would offer her assistance. However we explained to her why we weren’t and she understood and appreciated it. We said we didn’t think that it was right of us to give her money in her situation when she may end up placing with us. However we are offering to pay for third party counseling in the hopes that she will make a better more informed decision. I think it is okay to pay for third party counseling as an p-adoptive parent because often they are not getting good impartial counsel from the agency.
very good insight, Jan. great post!
“I think it is okay to pay for third party counseling as an p-adoptive parent because often they are not getting good impartial counsel from the agency.”
Sounds reasonable to me!
Thanks, Emory!