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In a recent discussion on the forums, birth parents and some adoptive parents discussed who is involved in their child’s open adoption. Sometimes an issue of contention and sometimes a blessing in itself, open adoption can open the communication pathway between more than just the adoptive parents and birth parents. Those birth parents that take issue with the idea often want to have some control over which members of their family are contacting their placed child for any number of reasons. Adoptive parents also have their own reasons for being wary of other people.
So what do you do? What’s the right protocol? Who gets to send pictures and letters? Who attends visits? Who has a right? Who should be kept away?
Obviously, this should be a topic of discussion between the first and adoptive family early on in the process. However, as situations are prone to change over the years, it is possible that the number of people involved will change over time. When birth parents are considering whether or not to involve people on their end, I have a few pieces of advice to impart from personal experience.
1) Consider leaving the door open for your own parents. Many birth parents, even in today’s era of open adoptions, felt pressured by family to place the child in question for adoption and, therefore, wanting to have some control over the situation, sometimes feel that keeping their parents from contacting the child will be a way to do that while protecting the child. Unless your parents were or are abusive, grandparents associate differently with their grandchildren (your child) than they do with their own children (you). If they show a desire to be involved, realize that your child may benefit from having even more people to love her or shower him with affection.
2) Don’t forget the other biological parent and his or her parents. Just because you are not getting along at the time of placement doesn’t mean that they deserve to be kept out of the child’s life for all eternity. There are certain exceptions to the rule but try to put yourself in the opposite partner’s shoes and determine how you would feel if you were kept from your child simply because you had a disagreement over the best way to go about things.
3) When considering your own siblings and their involvement, you would be best served by asking your parents, in the case of a minor sibling, if they are permitted to have contact of their own. For siblings who are of an age to make their own decisions, remind them that consistent contact is what is in the best interest of the child.
4) Significant others need to be presented to the family with special care. I find this to be a sticky subject for many adoptive parents, especially if the birth parents are young and going through the natural and normal phase of having a different boyfriend or girlfriend from month to month. I would encourage birth parents to tell their partners early on in the relationship but wait to do the introductions until the relationship is more established.
5) Your own parented children can benefit from contact with their placed sibling (half or full). Not only can it help them understand the adoption but it can also help your placed child adjust to how their family, birth and adoptive, work together and separately. Children are resilient and quick to accept things like family just because adults “say it’s so.”
There are many other people to consider but I just hit on the top few. Basically, before you bring anyone along on a visit, you need to clear it with the family. Discussing the reasons behind their desire and your desire to have them involved while helping to allay the adoptive parents’ fears can only help show that you do have the child’s best interest at heart.
If you are the party hosting the visit and it happens to involve a big family gathering, such as a birthday party, it would serve everyone well to discuss that your placed child will be in attendance as well as going over those who will be attending with the adoptive family. Giving them prior warning that Aunt Trudy runs at the mouth and has an opinion for everyone and every situation could help them avoid an interesting altercation over the punch bowl. If you are the party hosting the visit and you’ll just be doing normal things, which includes lunch with x-friend on y-day, explain to both parties the logistics of your relationship and why respect is important.
Basically, as with all other advice, it comes down to communicating with the other party.
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For some other topics pertinent to open adoption, read:
1. New Support Venue for Open Adoption Families.
2. How to Get Along with Each Other by Jan Baker.
3. Meeting Your Placed Child’s Extended Family.
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Photo credit.
It can get complicated, that’s for sure. Because the adotpive parents are friends of my sister’s, she ends up seeing my child much more often than I do. That wasn’t clear up front, and living with it has been excrutiating.
Clarify expectations early and often!
Great points, Jenna! I’ve said many time you can never have too many people love you! Relative who may have been inappropriate, but still love the children, can have visits at McDonalds, or a park with supervision periodically. We’ve done this with some of our children adopted through foster care.