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Have you ever read something that physically pained you? No, I’m not talking about a graphic description of an episiotomy. I mean something that caused such an emotional reaction within your being that you physically felt pain. Your stomach turned or you felt as if your chest was imploding causing your breathing to become labored? Welcome to my life, five minutes ago.
I was reading an Opinion article on Yahoo! News. Granted, it’s opinion. I shouldn’t let that bother me, right? I’m a strong, independent woman with thoughts and feelings of my own and the words of others mean nothing to me.
Except… they do.
In The New Revolution in Parenthood: Does Biology Matter, Maggie Gallagher attempts to tackle the tough question of nature versus nurture. She brings up some interesting points and tells an interesting story. And then she tosses all credibility to the wind with one fell swoop of the pen, or, as the case may be, click of the mouse:
Adoption, for example, is a wonderful form of parenthood that protects children when natural parents fail them.
I felt as though a knife had been inserted into my heart. I had been reading along, following Gallagher’s logical process of thoughts and then she slammed the door in my face. “No Birthmothers Allowed.” I feel like we’re back in kindergarten and I’ve been told by a group of boys that I can’t play because I’m a girl. Only this time I can’t discuss an intellectual subject because I happened to place my child in an open adoption.
First of all, my child needed no protecting. In fact, I did my share of protecting for nine months. My pregnancy was in no way calm and I had many invasive procedures done on my body so that she would be born, healthy and ready to take on this Planet. I protected her from physical harm by allowing doctors to do what they needed to do to keep me healthy. Beyond that, I already feel like a failure because I was lead to believe that placement was the best thing for my Daughter. I was reminded, over and over, how she needed two parents. I was told, over and over, a myriad of faults that I possessed. No offense, but J & D are not perfect. No one is! I don’t need some stranger telling me that I neglected to protect my child and simultaneously failed her.
I’m tired of being discounted because of my title. I am no more of a failure than any one else reading this blog. Ever did something you know that you shouldn’t have and hoped not to get caught? But did anyway? Welcome to my life.
Failure. Failure. Failure.
It haunts me tonight.
Jenna, that kind of comment is just why you and I are here – writing about who we are.
I am sorry that it hurt you – the author didn’t know any better – that’s what I always tell myself when people make cruel generalizations like that.
Ah jeez.
I went to the article. That comment — what a flip, insensitive comment that does make someone who’s a part of the adoption world just STOP! That’s an unfortunate and hurtful generalization, and while you and I and other members of the adoption triad know that it’s untrue, what is possibly most harmful about such published statements is that people who don’t know better read these things and quite possibly believe them. This is one of my main problems with the mainstream media publishing such falsehoods.
I’m sorry that media aren’t more responsible towards those of us involved in adoption, particularly firstmothers who tend to get labeled and scapegoated more than other members of the triad. It’s not only unfortunate, but in my opinion, it’s irresponsible journalism.
I had the same reaction, reading that. What an ignorant statement.
So many people talk out of two sides of their mouth when it comes to adoption. They bounce between seeing placement as a “loving, responsible decision” (the only “right” decision) and “failing your child.”
Which is it, people?
It’s ridiculous. I get so tired of all this.
I can only say ouch.
Just for the record, I put my $0.02 in on the discussion area of that blog. Obviously I can’t write as a first parent. I write as a grateful adoptive father who appreciates the care and love Mia’s mom gave her as she developed. As I wrote in the discussion, it is the first parent that makes some of the most critical, protective, loving, and difficult formative decisions in the life of a child.
While there will always people who speak out of ignorance or with a lack of the correct wording, know that no such sign will ever be hung on anything I write. You are always welcome!!
STOP FEELING THIS WAY… I gave up a child, a beautiful son 21 years ago…i met him in october…felt like my world had come full circle…u did a beautiful thing…u gave a parent a beautiful gift…it took me 21 years to realize this…but after letting him into our world did i finally realize that…only after the hundreth time that he made me feel guilty and decide to make my life as i have come to know it fall into a downward spiral…beware before a reunion…get as much info as possible…my family has been ruined because of it…the way i felt last year about reunions and the way i feel now is completely different…i have a restraining order against him…he entered an incestuous relationship with my daughter and vows to kill his birthfather and me…please beware before entering any relationship with a birthchild..the hell that i have been thru is unreal…does anyone have a story like mine or am i really living the jerry springer show without cameras
mamy; I don’t consider my child a gift to her adoptive parents. That analogy makes me want to throw up. Please don’t tell me how to feel. THIS is how I feel and I demand that others respect it. Your outlook, considering your experience, is rare and you should cherish it. I can be as mad, as angry, as guilty or as whatever as I want. That’s the beauty of feelings. They’re mine. Yours are yours. I would never tell you to stop feeling x or y way in regard to your son. DO NOT do the same to me.
Have a splendid day.