I recently talked about how birth parent grief is not all that scary. Tears are normal. Sadness is to be expected and should be respected. In fact the "stages" of grief include room for a wide range of normal. (I say "stages" because I don't believe we go through one step, complete it and follow in form and function to the next.) Briefly, the stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You can see how even anger is therefore well within the realm of normal as a birth parent goes through life.

However, truth be told, many people (not just birth parents!) step out of the range of normal and enter the unhealthy realms of grieving. Sometimes the actions are only detrimental for the birth parent themselves. But often times their actions, non-actions and reactions can have a negative affect on those around them which can make the others involved angry, fearful or any other number of negative emotions.

I will state, first and foremost, that I am not talking about crying publicly. Again, this is well within safe and normal for a birth parent to do! Being angry at those who had a hand in the adoption is normal as is properly voicing that opinion.

Instead I am talking about an absolute inability to heal because of various things. I think many would agree that alcohol abuse and drug use would fall into this area. We often see various types of grieving individuals get caught up in alcohol and drug us because it removes the feelings, the pain. While we all want to "not feel" from time to time, abusing these substances is neither safe nor smart.

I've written before how anger can be used to foster change. Anger isn't negative on its own. Anger becomes negative when the person feeling it and experiencing it misplaces their anger and lashed out at innocent individuals. I've seen this happen a few times in which birth parents react negatively towards the adoptive parents because they physically have the child. It's harder to deal with anger that is directed at something intangible such as the negative portrayal of single mothers or a system that makes it all but impossible to obtain and retain assistance. That's why many often find it easier to take issue with the people who have the child, even if they acted in a fully ethical manner. Obviously, this is not healthy.

(Of note: I am not talking about never being angry with the adoptive family. Relationships involve anger at times. It is also a justified anger when the adoptive parents have not kept promises to the first parents such as the level of openness.)

Engaging in co-parenting thoughts and actions is another unhealthy form of grieving for birth parents. While this is rather rare, there are some who cannot mentally or emotionally accept what the Termination of Parental Rights means for them and they feel as if they have a right to make parental decisions for their child. I think this, actually, falls under the realm of being stuck in denial, unable to accept the reality of what adoption means.

And then, of course, you have the sticky road of depression. Quite frankly, I think some depression is to be expected. Losing your child in any fashion is not an easy thing. Especially for the placing mothers, depression is quite possibly a very harsh reality due to the fluctuation in hormones post-delivery. I want it to be known that depression itself is not an unhealthy part of grieving. I think it's a normal reaction. However, when a birth parent refuses to get help for said depression, things can very quickly enter the unhealthy side of things. Suicidal thoughts are never healthy no matter who you are or what you are grieving. If you are depressed, you need to reach out for help.

I've covered a few things that I've seen in discussion about unhealthy grieving for this reason: most often, the individuals going through these things don't need people to get scared and run away. Most often, they need someone to acknowledge their pain and encourage them to get help. It's true that people cannot get help and receive the full benefit from that help until they make the actual decision on their own but encouragement can go a long way. Just like normal grieving, these special circumstances need to be handled with care.

Grief is never easy and is almost always messy. It doesn't follow a set of rules. Even the most well-adjusted human being can slip into a depression or get caught up in denial or anger. It doesn't make them less of a person. It doesn't make them someone to be pitied. It makes them human, just like you. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who is struggling and ask yourself how you would want to be treated.

//
For more on birth parent grief, read these posts.




Photo Credit.