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What would you do if your 13-year old daughter told you that she was miserable living with her adoptive mother and wanted to come live with you?
What if since birth she had regular contact with you and the rest of her birth family? What if your daughter’s adoptive mother had remarried recently and your daughter complained bitterly about her new step-dad?
Would you flat out her tell “No, there is no way that you can live with me?” Would you make her feel that her idea to live with you was absolutely absurd? Would you ask her how could she even think that you would consider such a thing? How do you think that would make her feel? Do you think it would make her feel that she was not being listened to and/or understood? Do you think that would be good for her?
Would you dismiss her request entirely and tell her to tough it out? Would you figure that everyone has to be around people that they do not like, and that it is part of life learning how to deal with difficult people? Would you believe that it would help build her character to learn how to get along with her stepfather?
Would you assume that she was just being a typical teen who hates their parents and not take her seriously? Would you go to her mother behind her back and “tell on her?” How do you think that would make her feel? Would she feel betrayed?
How about telling her that you think that the two of you should go talk to her mother and see what can be done to make the situation better? How would that make her feel? What if you did go with her to talk to her mother and her adoptive mother agreed that it made sense for her to live with you?
Okay, I cheated – this is a whole bunch of questions – food for thought.
I got in a discussion about this topic once. My answer has morphed a bit since then, but still along the same lines.
I would listen to her fears. I would assure her that I was always there for her, by phone or mail. I would tell her that her Mom is her everyday parent and living in her home is part of that but that I would speak to her Mom about scheduling a visit to see them (not vice versa) so she could get some “alone” time to vent or whatever she needed.
Then, I’d talk to D about what was just said. Does this betray the Munchkin’s confidence? I may not be her everyday Mom but I’m still a Mother in some sense of the word. My Mother always told my Dad what the issues were, even if I went explicitly to her. It was explained that they parent better as a team. If the Munchkin is struggling with something, I want D to know so that she can do whatever it is in her power to help the Munchkin. I honestly would ask if I could make a trip out to visit and spend some time just letting her vent.
But no, I don’t see myself going above and beyond my role as “birth” mother and letting her move in with me at age 13. …as much as it sounds heavenly to think about it for a few seconds, it’s only rooted in the fact that she’s miserable with one parent and wants to play off the other parent. Ya know?
I got rambly. Sorry Jan!
This was an interesting read for me because I sort of experienced something along this line when I was growing up.
My middle brothers were adopted. When one of them was 14 he began feeling alot of conflict at home. His b-mom (who we did not see because of abuse issues, but we had open adoption with her extended family) decided to go behind the backs of my parents and slip him a bus ticket via a friend to come to her in another state. It was awful! For two weeks our whole family had no idea where he was! She was never held responsible because she did not physically bring him herself, he was considered a runaway. If you saw my recent post about a local kid who went missing on monday, you will understand why this kind of thing stirs up feelings for me. The local kid, by the way is neither an adoptee or a runaway, he was abducted.
Jenna you had a great response, it speaks of empathy and respect. Thanks for showing there are people who understand there are better ways to handle things.