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A question was posed by an adoptive mom on the Birth Parents in Open Adoption forum just the other day. New to the process of open adoption, she was asking what we (as birth parents) liked to do on our visits. She wanted to know what we (as birth parents) liked to do with our placed children.
Anything! Everything! And nothing! All at once.
The scope of our visits with my daughter’s family has changed over the years. At first, it was about me spending time with her. Now it’s more about her spending time with my parented sons, her brothers. The point in sharing that is this: what is fun and what is important during a visit will change over the years for birth parents, for adoptive parents and for the adoptee in question.
As such, as a birth parent, if you are posed with the question, “What do you want to do on this visit,” you don’t have to hesitate to be honest. Here are some ideas.
1. Ask to be involved with the daily care. If your child is a baby, ask to change a diaper here or there. If your child is a toddler or preschooler, ask to help with evening bath time before bed. Ask to help with the preparation of meals. You’re not doing the active parenting and these are the things that you’re missing. Perhaps they sound boring but they can fill you with such joy. Maybe minus the diaper changing.
2. Don’t be afraid to ask for some alone time. One thing the adoptive mom said was that she was always certain to give her son’s birth mother time alone with him, without her looking over the birth mother’s shoulder. I love that! The truth is that if you’re having a visit in their home or your home, they’re probably not afraid that you’re going to find out where they live (since you already know) and disappear with their child. Take a walk together. Take your child to lunch. Or simply let the adoptive parents know they can run out and go grocery shopping (or get a massage!) while you two sit at home and play games. (Always have your cell phone charged, on and then answer it if they call during your alone time. This goes for any time you spend alone with any child!)
3. Read! Especially if your child is toddler, preschool or elementary school aged, reading together can create a wonderful, lasting memory. Read a book of your child’s choosing and then read a book of your choosing. Read your favorite book together and tell your child why it was/is your favorite.
Doing things like going to amusement parks can be fun but sometimes they hinder the bonding that you hope to be having during a visit. I’m not saying to never go to an amusement park together. I’m suggesting not to make it your every visit activity. Those quiet moments in which you bond with your child are vitally important for the both of you. Those moments will change as your child grows. What was once fun for your child will change. Learn to go with the flow and enjoy your visits.
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