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I have to admit that the title of a post by a fellow blogger raised my hackles. The question posed was aimed at adoptive parents and asked, without hesitation, “What If Your Child Had Been Raised By His Birth Mother?” It took me a few days to read it but, eventually, I gathered my wits about me and dove in.
I have some issues with the thought process of this particular What If game. Over the years, I have learned that most incarnations of the What If game aren’t conducive to positive thinking. In fact, they can be quite destructive. One exception that sticks out in my mind as acceptable and positive is the “What If I had never cleaned my life up” scenario. That one isn’t just for birth parents, mind you, but any one who has ever chosen a path of self-destruction. It is the only acceptable variation of the What If game that I can think of off the top of my head.
The line of thinking provided by this particular question (regarding the adoptive parents and birth parents) does little good for the birth parents, the adoptee or even the adoptive parents. What happens if the answers don’t make the adoptive parents feel better, leaving them doubting some of their own decisions? What if those answers make the adoptee feel worse and, as such, make the adoptive parents feel worse? What if they make the birth parents feel worse, or, do people care? The possibility for negative reactions is far too great to indulge this line of thinking.
That’s why I tend to steer clear of the “What If I Had Raised My Child” line of thinking. I occasionally indulge myself on holidays when I’m overwhelmed with her lack of presence. Her birthday and other anniversaries are also days in which I imagine her running around with my sons. But I never ask whether she’d be smarter or not had I raised her. I never question whether she’d be the bubbly, cheerful girl that she is if I had chosen to parent. I don’t call into question the choices that her parents have made over the years. It’s not fair to them for me to do so. It’s not fair to me. More over, it’s not fair to my daughter.
I accept things for what they are and I believe that doing so is the only way I can continue to move forward in my role as birth mother. The truth is that we never know what an outcome would have been like had we chosen any of the other available options. Playing the What If game opens a Pandora’s box of questions that can lead to self-doubt, anxiety and fear. Accepting the roles we are in now and moving forward on whatever path we are on at any given time is much healthier. I am not suggesting that we ignore our pasts but that we make the most of our futures.
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