What About Birth Dad?

Birth dads are much maligned, sometimes deservedly so, sometimes not. I suspect that there would be less pregnancies classified as “crisis pregnancies” if men in general were more accepting and supportive of unplanned pregnancies.

However, this is not a blanket indictment of all men. Like birth moms, I believe that some birth dads are unfairly characterized as unfeeling and uncaring. Birth dads come in all shapes and sizes just like birth moms. I do not know enough birth dads personally to be able to take much of a position on what an “average” might be like. Trying to compile an “average” snapshot is probably futile anyway.

The majority of birth moms have little good to say about most birth dads. On the other hand, I have met a few birth dads, and have nothing but positive impressions of them. One has admittedly changed since his son was born and placed for adoption many years ago. He admits to having been a retched jerk when his son was born, and now regrets how he handled the situation.

Blogger Sandra asked me recently about the pressure that some birth dads place on pregnant women. My short answer was that I feel that pressure should not happen from anyone, not even the father of the baby. The mother of a child is impacted the most severely by her decision as to whether to parent of not. Therefore, not even the baby’s father should be pressuring her, even though her decision does affect him as well.

Pressure from a potential birth dad can be either for or against the adoption decision. First, I will talk about coercion from a man to convince the mother of his child to relinquish. Some pregnant women suspect that the father of their babies push the adoption option because they do not want to have to pay child support. Pressuring a woman to relinquish for that reason is pretty awful in my eyes and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Other men may just not want the responsibility of having a child for financial or other reasons. I have no respect for a man who would behave in this manner. From what I hear, many birth dads are not terribly responsible and supportive of pregnant women. In their defense, however, many are quite young, like many birth moms, and it is not surprising that the responsibility of becoming a father sometimes terrifies them.

I think a woman in a crisis pregnancy needs to stand up for herself and decide what is best for her and her baby. If she goes against what is in her heart for the sake of a man, I believe that she will likely live to regret her decision. The best interest of a baby trumps a father’s wishes in my mind. This may sound harsh, but, men are replaceable in a woman’s life, babies are not. Placing a baby for adoption because a man tells you to is rarely, if ever, a wise decision.

On the flip side, what about men who want to pressure a woman to parent their child, even when she wishes to choose adoption. Pressuring a woman either way is not a smart thing to do. If a woman really does not want to parent, and you talk her into parenting, what are the chances that she will become a good mother? It is possible that she will have a change of heart after the baby is both, but, again, she is the party most impacted by her pregnancy, and she gets to decide what happens to her baby in most circumstances.

However, I know one young man who sought custody of his child once he knew that his girlfriend had decided on the adoption option. I believe that he should have been given the chance to parent their child if she did not want to. I do not know why the baby’s mother did not want him to have custody. Perhaps she also had some spiteful and punitive reasons as well. I suspect that she perhaps believed a two parent family would be a better option. The baby’s father spent years fighting for custody in court, but, did not succeed. Nothing about him gave me any indication that he would not have been a warm, loving and successful parent. He was financially solvent, stable and I cannot imagine that he could not have done a superb job of parenting.

If a woman believes that the father of her child is unstable or would provide an unsafe home for their child, that is altogether an entirely different situation. Several women have told me that they relinquished in order to keep the baby safe. They felt that the fathers might have harmed the babies in some ways mostly due to drug or alcohol addictions.

In an ideal world, a couple would decide together if they find out that a baby is on the way how to handle the situation. Ultimately, the woman is always more affected by whatever decision is made, so she should be free to do so without pressure from the father of her baby or anyone. If they cannot agree, who gets to decide, the father or mother of the baby?

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