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As I mentioned yesterday, we went to Nick’s first costume party. He got many compliments on his little lion cub costume. Though he was called a girl at one point and asked what is “costume” was while fingering the Mei Tai. Of course, these both came from the same lady so I’m not too flabbergasted.
However, less than an hour later, flabbergasted was my middle name. I’ve written about it on the forums to get some feedback but it also needs to be written about here. Why? Because I didn’t know this would happen to me and other birthparents need to know!
After the party, my Library MommyFriend came back to our house (which is near the YMCA) to wait for her ride to arrive. Just about two months ago, I found my comfort level with including pictures of the Munchkin around our home. It took me awhile to get there (and perhaps I’ll discuss HOW I got there at a later point in time) but since putting the pictures up, I haven’t been faced with a “test” by a new or old friend asking me about Munchkin’s place in our lives.
Enter yesterday and my Library MommyFriend. She was admiring the photos on our fridge. One is of Nicholas, in his Ben Roethlisberger jersey, yelling like we do on Sunday afternoons in our household. The other is of the Munchkin, looking pretty in pink, taken on our visit this past August. The conversation went something like this:
Library MommyFriend: Who are… *pointing back and forth*
Jenna: Well, that’s Nick, of course. And that’s the daughter that I placed for adoption. They’ll be out here next month for Nick’s birthday.
Josh: Yeah. She’s hilarious.
Jenna: *says a silent prayer thanking God for her awesome Husband*
Library MommyFriend: *silence* So you’re adopting her?
Jenna: *shocked silence* No, I placed her for adoption.
Nicholas: *throws food on the floor and laughs*
Parents: *run amok to clean up mess*
End of conversation.
Now, in all of my research and discussion with other birthparents, no one has ever told me that I would be asked if I was adopting her as opposed to the fact that I had already placed her for adoption. Yet, when I asked on the forums if anyone had been a similar situation, I was shocked (silent!) to find out that it’s a generally common occurence among firstparents.
So why then didn’t anyone tell me in my previous discussion post on the forums about hanging pictures of my daughter up around my house that the questions that could possibly come forth might very well include this little show-stopper? I mean, I think I handled it well. I have my Husband to thank for his input and my Son to thank for his distraction. Yet if I had known that this question would have been thrown at me at some point in my life, I could have come up with something much more intelligent than simply reiterating myself.
No doubt it was a combination of confusion and shock on her part with a possible level of lacking education as to adoption language. None of that is her fault. I’ve been preparing for the shock value that comes with sharing that I’m a firstmother. Yet, if someone would have warned me about this conversation, I could have said, when she said, “So you’re adopting her,:”
“No, I placed her for adoption which means that she was adopted by the parents that raise her on a daily basis at birth. Our adoption is fully open; we have contact via e-mail, telephone, letter and visits.”
Or:
“No, when she was born, I chose to let other parents raise her due to my beliefs and challenges at that point in my life.”
Or something! You get the point.
So, in short, to birthparents who are reading, someday, someone may get confused when you tell them that you placed a child for adoption and then ask you if you are adopting said child. Even if you have a well-thought-out reply and have practiced it until you are blue in the face, your confidence may be shaken a bit by their shock. Stand your ground and deliver your well-thought-out reply with confidence in the fact that you are a great person.
Hopefully my shock value and subsequent discussion of it will help others prepare for such a conversation.
By the way, my Husband says I handled myself just fine and have thus passed my first “pictures of my daughter are hanging in our house” test with flying colors. He was caught off guard by the question as well. See. I’m not alone! 
And then there’s me – I am waiting for my grandchildren to notice pictures of the son that I am reunited with. I will let you know how that goes! The fun is neverending huh?
wow. i would have been caught off guard, too.
i think repeating yourself is always a good option – sometimes it makes people stop and think – which is exactly what they should be doing.
Jan; oooh, let me know how that goes. *hugs*
Afrindiemum; good point. We want people to actually think so… yes, just a good point.
That’s happened to me before too! I too was shocked… So I’m guessing it’s more acceptable to have pictures of a child you are adopting than the one placed for adoption? Or maybe more expected??
Probably more accepted and expected, Coley. People still, on the whole, don’t understand open adoption and what it entails. “OMGYOUHAVEAPICTUREWHYYYYY.” heh
Ya, I know! I had an “OMG OPEN ADOPTION” situation happen at Noah’s birthday party. I’ll explain later….
Jenna,
You handled it very well! We get the ole “shocked about open adoption” thing on this end as well. In fact just yesterday my husband & I along with my middle child C’s first mom & her new son D were taking the kids trick or treating at a nearby resort we are all owners in and a lady who recognised my husband said hello. She asked which kids were ours & we pointed out our three, then she asked C’s first mom which were her’s & she proudly displayed baby D and also pointed to C. LOL, the gals eyes bugged out, ” but that one…um she is the same one…um didn’t you say she was yours???
We all just said “Yes” and grabbed some extra candy while her mouth was hanging open.