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I’d like to meet Carol Ann Orr and shake her hand. I’d like to give her a big old hug and thank her for being so dang awesome. I’d like to buy her a drink or a rose or whatever she likes best as a token of my thanks. Who is Carol Ann Orr? And why am I a fan?
She is KT Tunstall’s birth mother. (KT is a singer in case you live under a rock.) And Carol Ann Orr is not being invited to her birth daughter’s wedding. And she’s okay with that.
I began reading this article with fear. The title, “Birth Mother Not Invited to My Wedding,” smacked of negativity. I figured we were going to hear a story about a dysfunctional first mother who wreaked havoc on her (famous!) birth daughter’s life and, as such, is being cut from the daughter’s life. Not the case!
While the article goes on to talk about things like wedding dresses and music festivals, the issue concerning the birth mother’s lack of invitation is actually a small part of the whole. However, I think it speaks volumes.
In short, KT is not inviting her birth mother because she (the biological mother) has not yet met the adoptive parents. (And anyone who has even been to, in or planned a wedding knows that weddings can be emotional enough without saying, “Oh yeah! Here’s the woman who placed me for adoption!”) Okay, so this doesn’t sound like a story I’d normally be so stoked about, right?
It’s this little quote:
She said: “My birth mum totally understands and she’s great about it as are my parents.
“But I’ve spent 32 years with my family and I’ve spent seven years very, very slowly getting to know my biological mother so obviously my family is the priority.
“It’s very difficult but my birth mother completely understands that.”
Readers just learned that a biological mother can be understanding. Unlike the portrayal in Lifetime-esque movies where we’re always shown as crazy-eyed and fanatic-like, this is a case where a birth mother is being shown as understanding, logical and, in the end, quite loving.
And maybe KT’s mum does feel some pain about not being invited. I can’t say. I don’t know her. But she didn’t fly off the handle and act in an irrational manner. What mother, birth or adoptive, would want her daughter to feel extra stress during the wedding planning stage? Not me!
We should all pray to be so understanding in complex issues like this, whether we’re in reunion, waiting to reunite or search or an open adoption. The relationship can be very complicated and emotionally daunting at times. It’s sometimes hard to step back and say, “What is best for my child is what I want. My desires are secondary.”
I hope that if I am presented with a similar situation, be it a wedding or a graduation or a party, I can step up to the plate in the same understanding manner as Carol-Ann Orr. I want my daughter to know that her needs are above my desire to be near her. It’s hard, no doubt. That’s why I’m sending out huge bunches of Kudos to Carol-Ann Orr. Kudos indeed!
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For more on adoption + weddings, read these posts.
Photo Credit: DL2004, my wedding dress. Used with permission.
