I'm not a patient person. I suppose that's why I keep getting "blessed" with the patience lesson. Over and over and over. And over again. I wasn't patient as a child. (I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it!) I wasn't patient as a teen. (I wanted to grow up... now!) I wasn't patient in college. (Four years was an awfully long length of time!) And, as a parent, I'm not always patient. (You can't put both legs in the same hole!)

But I work at it. I do. Ask my Husband. I've been working on my patience level with my very headstrong, independent two year old son. Sometimes I have to breathe and remember that he is just two and he's not purposefully trying to drive me insane... all the time. A few times I've gone outside for a breather as I've found that pruning some of my flowers brings me back to a calm level. It's interesting, let me tell you, trying to teach my two year old to be patient while I'm finishing up nursing his little brother... when he knows that my patience isn't what it should be.

Which is why one of my devotional entries really caught my eye and spoke to me. It said:

Patience is not merely waiting; it is how you act while you are waiting.

I first thought of my older son, throwing tantrums and being generally, well, two, while waiting for me to finish up any number of things with his younger brother. Stomping feet and loud crying sometime ensue. But sometimes he remembers that patience is about more than just waiting, it's about how he acts while waiting. And, I figure, if a two year old can do it, so can a bunch of adults. No matter our issues.

There's a lot of waiting in adoption, no matter the side of the triad. As this is the birth parent blog, I'll simply address the birth parents. For those of us in open adoption, we often wait for pictures, letters, other forms of communication and visits. For those who placed in the closed era, there's the waiting until the age in which the child is able to search (18 or 21, depending on state law) and then waiting until the child initiates the search or decides to contact us after we have initiated a search. For those who are in reunion, the delicate balance of finding how much communication is too much and how much is too little involves a lot of waiting for a reply and to reply. There's just a lot of waiting.

We can, of course, stamp our feet like mad bulls and create a ruckus. After all, when absolutely nothing is happening, sometimes it feels good to see something happen even if it is pure chaos, right? But if that chaos isn't productive, well, you're back to square one. I'd venture to say that avoiding chaos would be your best bet. It's not easy. Waiting. And acting appropriately while waiting. It's not easy. No, not easy.

Don't misunderstand what I'm saying. Acting appropriately doesn't mean that you can't feel what you legitimately feel. If you're angry, be angry. But don't run off at your mouth and hurt others in the process. If you're sad, be sad. But don't let your sadness ruin the other joys in your life. If you're ambivalent, be ambivalent. Don't force yourself to make up your mind about your emotions at any given time just to have a quick answer for someone who is making inquiries about your emotional state. Journal through these emotions. Talk about them with a trusted friend, a spouse or a therapist. Find a creative outlet for your emotions like music or art. Consider taking up running or other vigorous anger to let go of anger if only for an hour at a time.

You're entitled to feel what you feel. But you're not entitled to make others feel badly for feeling how they feel or acting how they act (unless they have intentionally hurt you and then you can honestly, but respectfully, tell them what they have done wrong and why it hurt you). Don't be a doormat. But don't make other people into your doormats either.

Throughout the next week I'm going to talk some more about patience and adoption. I think it will help be, well, patient!



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