A recent thread for adoptive parents on the subject of unconditional love got me thinking about it on my end. Or, our end as birth parents. Considering that society in general views the act of relinquishing a child for adoption as something a heartless mother would do, it's not often assumed that birth parents love their placed children unconditionally. The sad stories of failed reunions only further bring some negativity across the board.

So, do all birth parents love their placed children unconditionally? I would assume that the word all negates that possibility. Just like those everyday parents who don't love their children unconditionally (biological, adoptive, step, foster, etc), some birth parents are incapable of that unconditional love. It's sad and unfortunate, just as it is with an everyday parent, when a birth parent can't get past certain aspects of their placed child's character or lifestyle. My heart goes out to adoptees that live with this reality and secondary form or feeling of rejection.

Thankfully, there are some great first parents out there who have shown what unconditional love is all about. There are hard things for biological parents in reunion or open adoption to accept. For example, a mother in reunion that I have become friends with has to deal with the hard issues of forging a relationship with a son that was raised in a completely different religion. Shocked and somewhat disheartened, she has still made room in her life for him. She shows that unconditional love by putting aside theological differences and loving her son despite their disagreements.

To push further then, the question remains: should all birth parents love their children unconditionally? Obviously, my opinion is that, yes, birth parents should love their relinquished children unconditionally. I'm not saying it is a particularly easy task. I am not demeaning any mother or father who has struggled with this issue. I am simply calling birth parents to a higher task.

My heart literally breaks every time I hear a story of an adoptee who has been crushed by a failed reunion because of x-reason that the birth parent couldn't "accept." Some examples that I've seen include a refusal (on the adoptees part) to refer to the birth mother as "mom." Others were religion issues, lifestyle choices or even, sadly, being well-adjusted in their lives, feeling no significant loss that they attributed to being placed for adoption. The list is wide and varied, just like the mothers and children that make it.

In my opinion, parents who refuse to accept a child who was raised differently or who acts differently than they would have "had they been raised under my roof," most likely wouldn't have approved of that child's personal choice if they had been raised under their roof. For adoptees going through such a thing, it might be hard to realize that, accept it and move on. Again, it's just a heart-breaking ordeal.

And so, I urge birth parents to really consider this topic in their current relationships or as they think about the relationships they could have in the future. What's that one thing that would make you cringe, inwardly or outwardly, when you find that your child has grown into someone or something different than you had imagined. I urge you to deal with those issues, thoughts and emotions now rather than later. We all have goals, dreams and aspirations for our children, placed or parented. But we must recognize, especially when the entire parenting issue is completely out of our hands, that our children have unique personalities and will become their own people. (In fact, that should be celebrated!) Keeping in mind how a lack of acceptance might be perceived by your relinquished child is important when working through your own issues.

Of course, on the flip side, birth parents are then faced with children who do not love them on an unconditional level. Reunions can be made tough by adoptees just the same as they can be made tough by birth parents. Are birth parents just to roll over and take whatever is given? Even if it is highly disrespectful? I think you then fall into an area of "tough love." It's all very confusing. It's all very hard to handle at times.

In short, a question: do you love your placed child unconditionally? If you have stipulations, what are they and why?

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For more, read:

1. Love Thursday: Unconditional Love.

2. The Secret Fears of Birth Parents.

3. Love Thursday: Holding Your Daughter for the First Time.

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