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As I said previously, traveling long distances for visits involves some planning on the parts of both sides of the adult triad. Just like any other trip, making your plans far enough in advance can help lessen the stress the comes when the actual travel dates arrive. Over the past three years, we’ve learned a little about traveling, both by vehicle and air, and have a few things to pass on to others. While not steadfast rules of dos and don’ts for open adoption travel, it might help save your from mistakes that we’ve made or give you ideas on how to better improve your traveling experience. (Plus one REALLY great and creative idea!!)
1. Know your comfort level. This point relates to where you will stay during said visit. For families that aren’t 100% comfortable with one another yet, look into staying in a hotel. For our first visit, Josh and I stayed in a hotel near J & D’s house. Afterwards, we found it unnecessary as we felt like family that was close enough to sleep in guest room’s and on one another’s pull-out-couches. However, don’t be afraid to reevaluate this point with each visit. If you have recently added to your family or are having some personal issues within your own home, don’t hesitate to suggest hotel staying for whoever is visiting, whether it’s yourself or the other party. For our first visit after Nicholas was born, J & D stayed in a hotel. Two newborns? Under two months? Not sleeping through the night? Can you imagine? It was what worked best for both families at that time.
2. Take “stuff,” including toys. This one is mostly for adoptive parents going to visit birth parents and has another narrowing focus: especially if they don’t already have children in their home. We didn’t have toys for the first two years of the Munchkin’s life at our home during visits. However, being a fire fighting family, we did have fire trucks. J & D always felt like they were bringing too much but it was stuff that kept the Munchkin interested while adults were doing boring things like talking. We also didn’t have things like a Pack N’Play. These are important things to keep in mind when planning what to take to a visit.
3. Work out a general back-and-forth plan. It’s hard to visit if one family constantly feels like traveling is constantly on their plate. It takes a lot of time to plan and travel. It also takes a lot of money, especially if you are the side constantly doing the driving and/or flying. For example, in our situation, we try to keep it so that J & D come here twice a year and we go out there twice per year. The “try” is why I called it a “general” back-and-forth plan. Being flexible enough to understand that some things will alter that plan. For example, my wedding shower and wedding brought J & D out here more in that year than we went to their home. However, if one side is experiencing financial issues or you are dealing with a minor birth mother, understand that your willingness to travel during those situations will be greatly appreciated and, hopefully someday returned.
4. Set a budget. You set budgets for vacations. So do the same with a visit. It will save you the personal defeat of returning home only to realize that you spent way too much on gifts for your birth child, dinners out with your child’s first parents or random trips to the mall. I sometimes have trouble with this because visiting has become just a normal part of how our family interacts. So, since I feel that I’m just doinga normal family thing, I forget that I’m technically on a mini-vacation and should be watching my spending. It’s an important thing to keep in mind!
5. Plan ahead. We do pretty well at planning the next visit either before or while we are currently on a visit. For example, our next two visits are already set and ready to go. It is the times that the next visit is simply unknown that I feel myself in a funk. I also find it harder to broach the subject if it is completely unknown. Letting the other party know, “Well, we won’t be able to do anything until x-month so let’s just go ahead and make a plan to visit at this time and we’ll work with it from there,” can really help alleviate unnecessary worry. As an added bonus, while removing fears and worries, you can often get the best price. See below.
Continued in the next post… (here.)
