Transitions, Weddings and A Fully Open Adoption

To end the series on personal stories of adoption and marriage, I decided I should hit on my own experience. I answered my own interview questions, the same that were sent to our other participants. My story is my own but at the same time, echoes of what others have already said and experienced are found throughout my own words. Circumstance and situation may differ but certain things seem to float across that board.

As you know, I’m a birth mother involved in a fully open adoption. At the time of my wedding, the Munchkin was too young to be a flower girl, a point that many people balk at for differing reasons. Some are angered that I could “move on” in such a short time. Some are shocked that someone could love me despite my role of first mother. Some point fingers and say, “See, you didn’t really need to give up your daughter.” In short, both my Husband and I have a lot of guilt, together and separately, that we weren’t able to see past our own wall of problems to the not-so-distant future so that we could see how easily we could have parented the Munchkin together. (My Husband is not the Munchkin’s biological father.) That’s a post for another time!

As Josh and I were planning the wedding, we took a trip to visit the Munchkin and her family. During this particular visit, I bonded with D (Munchkin’s Mom) in a way that we hadn’t previously. On the (long) car ride home, Josh and I discussed whether or not it was appropriate to ask D to be in the wedding party as one of my bridesmaids. We discussed how the relationship was forming into a friendship, only further confirmed by the visit, and how it would make us feel as well as our guests to see someone who was raising my daughter stand up with us on our wedding day. As we came to an agreement, I called and asked D to be a bridesmaid. After some tears, she agreed. I do not regret this decision and actually view it as something that drew us closer. (I really tried not to be a Bridezilla!)

Knowing that D was going to be involved in the wedding, I didn’t have to fret all that much that they would reject my invitation. D actually became an integral part of helping me plan the wedding, yay-ing or nay-ing various decorations and ideas as I sorted through the many different things that are part of a ceremony and reception.

In fact, our wedding was the week after Munchkin’s birthday. I drove out to attend her party and then brought both D and the Munchkin back to Ohio with me. They stayed for the entire week leading up to my wedding, helping me tie bows on bells, fold laundry for the honeymoon and helped me stay sane in the immediate chaos.

Other than D’s presence at the front of the church and her name in the wedding day program, we didn’t fully acknowledge the presence of my daughter or her family. Looking back at how some others handled it, sometimes I wish I would have done things a little differently. D’s name in the program was followed by “friend of the bride,” just like my other attendants. I’m not sure how I would have changed that wording but, especially as the years have gone by, I’ve realized that she is much more than a friend. However, at that particular time, it was probably the best determiner for what our relationship had evolved to and therefore even with ability to predict the future, I might not have changed the wording.

That said, my family and closest friends knew who they were and what they meant to me. The wedding party, except for one groomsman, knew exactly who they were as well and did not, to my knowledge treat them any differently than any of the other participants. Josh’s Mom and sister (who was also a bridesmaid) knew who they were both other members of his family had not yet been informed. To be honest, while I’m all about honesty, this made things a bit easier on me at the time. (They weren’t actually told until 2006.) Since they personally didn’t know who J, D and the Munchkin were, they simply assumed they were out of state friends and treated them like one of the family without any added pressure. I have some nice memories of Josh’s Grandpa making faces at the Munchkin and interacting with them in a way that he might not now that he knows who they are to me. While that sounds like it shouldn’t happen, we all know that people react differently when adoption is involved.

As for my family, my parents were thrilled at their involvement and attendance. While my Mom and I hadn’t yet discussed the misunderstandings and miscommunication we had during the time of my pregnancy, they both loved being in the presence of the Munchkin who is still their first grandchild and only granddaughter. While the entirety of my family knew the family, no one made a big deal throughout the ceremony. The reception, however, is another story. One part of the story is good, one part of the story is bad.

My dad has two brothers: John and Jim. I love them both dearly. John lives in Florida and had thus been greatly removed from my unplanned pregnancy and subsequent placement. He hadn’t seen pictures or been introduced to the family prior to the reception. He pulled me aside, fighting some tears, and asked if he could talk to them briefly. I walked over with him and he simply thanked them for everything. Not a man of words and easily choked up (my dad and uncles are quite emotional!), I don’t think he got to say everything he wanted to, however, it meant a lot to me to have him show them respect even if he chose words that I wouldn’t have picked for him to say.

However, Jim, after a few drinks too many, also pulled me aside. He then informed me, without being prompted for such advice, that I needed to “leave the family alone” and “let them live their own life.” Mind you, this is my wedding night. The reception is nearing its end and I, as well, have had a few glasses of champagne. On an evening that should have been filled with beautiful memories of friends and family, it was suddenly stained with unsolicited opinion that went against everything that both Munchkin’s family and I believed in. I explained that he hadn’t done the research on open adoption, he didn’t know what he was talking about and, frankly, it was my wedding night and he should shut his mouth. To be honest, while Jim and I were previously close, I do not like to spend much time with him now, even though I’ve forgiven him and much time has passed. He has made it clear, in lack of action, that he does not approve of our relationship. His family actually lives quite near Munchkin’s family and when I visit, he says we should drive up to see them and yet, when I reply that I won’t be leaving Munchkin’s family to hang out with him, he doesn’t offer to drive down. Unfortunately, my reception is tainted by his advice and thinking about it now makes me sad.

As for how J & D reacted when they learned of the upcoming marriage, they were excited. Our situation is different from some others in the fact that Josh was involved in the pregnancy even though he was not the Munchkin’s biological father. He was with me when we first me J & D and has been a wealth of support through all stages of my grief and loss. J and Josh get along famously and both parents know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Josh loves the Munchkin as if she were his own daughter. They had no qualms about adding him into the permanent mix of our open adoption. I am thankful for this ease of transition as I know many other mothers had a more difficult time with it!

As you can imagine, Josh also had no problems transitioning into his un-titled role as Munchkin’s not-quite-biological-father but would-have-been-stepfather. During visits, they have always bonded and played and enjoyed their time together. Usually after a visit, Josh needs time to process those emotions as there aren’t any resources to tell him how he should feel, could feel or how he might begin to process things. (If you think birth parents are ignored, try being a spouse of a birth parent!) Thankfully, he feels comfortable discussing such things with me after some alone time and we usually do some hugging and comforting together.

Quite frankly, adoption has had an effect on our marriage even though one would assume that with Josh’s early involvement and our completely open form of communication that issues would be minimal. While we’ve had no deal breakers, there were things that we’ve had to deal with in order to move ahead in our own relationship. We both wanted children almost immediately after we were married. Of course, this was coupled with my health problems but Josh described having the small taste that he had of parenthood as being somewhat insatiable. He knew, and I knew, that no one would replace the Munchkin but having been totally changed by the process of pregnancy and placement, we knew that children were important in our lives. While others thought we were crazy, we started trying to conceive almost immediately. Some other things that we’ve had to deal with were issues surrounding my grief and loss, further exacerbated by my anxiety, which eventually lead us to agreement that I needed to be in therapy. Not just for my mental well being but so our marriage did not take a hit. Immediately prior to getting into therapy, I was shelling up within myself and cutting Josh off. Recognizing how that was affecting both of us, we agreed, together, that therapy would be beneficial. It has been.

The advice I would give to a birth parent considering marriage would be to be 100% honest. This includes feelings about how you want your child involved, how soon you want to have children and where you are in your grief process. Also remind your significant other that grief is messy and new milestones may cause one to revisit certain grief issues. Integrating a significant other into the open adoption relationship prior to walking down the aisle will help make the transition easier for all involved.

Quite frankly, that’s the first time I’ve ever written out the entire schpiel of information about our wedding and marriage and all the issues intertwined. Looking back, there are only minor things that I would have done differently with regard to this specific issue. Realizing that makes me feel rather good about my choices involved in handling people and situations. Even with the marring of the reception by my uncle, the words I used to put him in his place that evening still give me a sense of empowerment even if the champagne did make me cry.

I thank you for reading my story and the stories of the others that I’ve shared. I hope it’s given you a very, very small insight to some of these issues. If you have questions, please don’t hesitate to ask!

//
For more, read:

1. Closed Adoptions and Marriage.

2. A Story of Love, Disappointment and Stereotype Breaking.

3. Planning a Wedding as a Birth Mother.

//
Photo Credit: Patricia White, ©2004

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.