It was one of those therapy sessions that was sorely needed. The holidays have just ended which also involved my son’s first birthday and the Munchkin’s third birthday. Oh, two visits in two months time. L’s first meeting with J, D and the Munchkin. Let’s not forget that was my first time seeing L since April of 2003. The whole Associated Press ordeal which included both praise and fallout. My D&C and hysteroscopy and most recent news from the doctor. It’s been a crazy two months… without therapy.
Today I was allowed to sit on a couch, clutch a pillow and spill my guts. Oh, what a relief. I talked about how all of the above mentioned hoopla combined with the day-in and day-out life of a Mom, wife, daughter, friend, etc, has taken me to a point of total saturation. That’s right folks, I’m overwhelmed. To the extreme. On the other hand, I’m so darn busy that I don’t have time to be anxious about normal (or unknown!) things. Silver lining?
After I got through discussing emotions that I haven’t really discussed with anyone else, I just sat back to breathe. Therapist Lady went on to point out a few things, reminded me of some good and cleansing coping techniques and reminded me that except for being a good Mother and a good wife, the rest of this stuff is all a decision. I can either decide to do it or decide not to do it. I don’t have to be the spokeswoman for every single thing that I do. Sometimes I can just, literally, be a member of the choir. I don’t have to sing a solo with a cold. Sometimes I can just be a birthmom without being in every paper from Maine to Seattle and back. Sometimes I can just sit quietly. Or, even take a nap! (Which I was encouraged to do after last night’s no sleep fest in this household. Oh, teething.) I don’t have to be everything to everyone. I don’t have to be anything to anyone. I just have to be me.
It’s encouraging to be reminded of such important life lessons. I’ve been in overdrive for the past two and a half months, trying to get everything done. And perfectly. A lot has gone on, even within my adoption journey. And I admitted to my therapist: I haven’t even had time to process things like how L’s visit with Munchkin made me feel, the anger I feel over some things that were said on a visit and you know, being a birth mom entering her fourth year of grief. I just haven’t taken the time to process any of it.
So, in this next month, that’s what I’m supposed to do. Breathe a little. Process the emotions that I’ve just kind of shoved off to the side and come to some conclusions about myself, my future goals with various relationships and, in general, take naps. (Really! My therapist said so!)
I didn’t get answers as to why I feel like I feel after these past few visits. I got challenges to look deeper, reconnect with people and have some intense conversations. Sometimes, just sometimes, I think answers would be easier. But then what would I learn? Oh, therapy.