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Even more confusing than what to call birth parents and biological grandparents, titling a husband or wife of a birth parent leaves many parties scratching their heads for answers. With very little precedent on what to do with scenarios like these, many first families and adoptive families together flub their way through this topic, often ignoring it in hopes of not creating a big issue.
For me, it is an issue that constantly weighs on my heart and my mind. I know that in our situation, the weight of the topic comes from Josh’s early involvement in the Munchkin’s life. He was willing and able to accept the role of her everyday Dad and, had things gone differently, he would currently be serving in that role with that title. Instead he is simply relegated to a titleless position of Munchkin’s first mom’s husband, or simply called by his first name.
It doesn’t seem quite fair to me. Here is a man who devoted himself, wholly and completely, to a child that was not his own. He loved her and continues to love her more than the rest of the world would be willing to understand. They have their own unique bond that is further nurtured during visits. He would have been something more than just “Josh.” And while the Munchkin has spent the last several years referring to him as such and I wouldn’t dare “enforce” such a title to be used, I can’t help but feel that he deserves some sort of formal recognition for his consistent commitment to the little girl that he loves so very much.
Is there a title to appropriately define the relationship between a birth parent’s spouse and the child that was placed for adoption? To get into a literal discussion of the titles currently available, wouldn’t Josh technically be a “step-birth-dad?” That doesn’t sound all that appealing to me (or to Josh, for that matter). Would he be a Third Dad? As I continuously wrack my brain for something appropriate, everything falls short.
To ask Josh, he is fine with just being called by his first name. (As I said, we’re not planning on changing that as the Munchkin is comfortable with referring to him as such.) Yet, in writing about his role in her life, I feel that he should have something that further identifies his role. Year after year, I come up empty-handed on this particular topic and I feel as though I’m failing my own Husband (which is connected to the left over guilt I have about placing the Munchkin and thus breaking his heart).
An issue in both open adoption and reunion, I can’t help but wonder how other first and adoptive families have handled this topic. As open adoption becomes more common in today’s world, I don’t think this is an issue that will either disappear or answer itself. Birth parents will continue to marry their significant others and bring them into a relationship with their placed child. (As I’ve said before, making sure that your significant other understands the importance of your relationship is vital before deciding to marry.)
I’d love to hear any creative titles that other families have come up with by trial and error, something more than just a first name. Even if I only ever use it for clarification in writing or in my own heart and mind, I’d really like to officially title my Husband’s role in the Munchkin’s life.
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For more, read:
1. Titles in First Families: Grandparents.
2. I’m Not “Your” Birth Mother.
3. Can We Assign Our Own Titles, Please?.
4. Or join a discussion on the forums: Titles for Husbands/Wives.
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Photo Credit.
Dad, The Prequel…