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If the issues surrounding language and birth families aren’t already confusing enough, the debate extends past the biological mother and father. What, for today’s example, should we call grandparents whose grandchild was placed for adoption?
The actual placement does not negate the grandchild exists. While some have chosen to distance themselves from the situation as a whole, there are other grandparents (often in open adoption) who want to be involved on some level. Whether it’s a simple card at Christmas time, visits when the child visits her birth mother or the actual on contact the adoptive family has with anyone in the biological family, grandparents are becoming more involved. Yet, they don’t really have an exact title. Do they?
I’m sorry but “birth” grandmother sounds a bit off base. In fact, I would venture to say that the true definition of such a term would be the wonderful grandmother who gave birth to her daughter’s twins after the daughter was rendered infertile by treatments for ovarian cancer. That title follows suit: she birthed her own grandchildren, thus, “birth” “grandmother.”
I know, I know, I’m playing semantics again! But I can’t get over the usual improbability of grandmothers birthing their placed grandchildren! (Let’s not even try to comprehend “birth” grandfather, okay?) So are there options?
We could fall back on the old (argued) “first” determiner, thus making a child’s biological grandparents the “first” grandparents. However, as grandparents are from a generation before our own, they are less likely to be in full support of the open relationship as it is and some adoptive family grandparents may not appreciate someone else getting the title of “first.” As I tend to be with previous generations, I can be understanding of that point of view. So, really, are there options?
And I’m coming to you without concrete answers. I assume that there are options beyond the use of first names. I know that some families, even for the birth mother title, have chosen to use a name used for grandma in another language. The Wiktionary offers various translations for paternal and maternal grandparents. (In our family, my mother actually goes by YiaYia, Greek for Grandmother.) Children are also good at making up nicknames for grandparents. Perhaps following their lead on this particular topic would be beneficial for all involved.
Otherwise, I’m clueless.
How does your family handle the topic of titles for grandparents? Any cute names? Any disastrous stories? Share.
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For more, read:
1. I’m Not “Your” Birth Mother!
2. Can We Assign Our Own Titles, Please?
3. What to Call Us.
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Photo Credit.
LOL! The crew that hated “first” is going to have a field day with this one!
Kids make up great nicknames. I would think it may be easier to just let them call the shots
(I have no idea how my son came up with “Lulup & Bupbup” from Gramma & Grampa but it works!)
We left the naming up to the grandparents, letting them know we were fine with what ever they chose (yes, even “grandma” and “grandpa”). We actually just revisited the question with our child’s first dad’s parents earlier this month. They asked to be called by their first names.
His first mom’s parents haven’t settled yet on names. I think they’re still feeling their way through the options. Sometimes they refer to themselves as birth-grandparents, sometimes grandparents, sometimes by first names.
One of the grandmas shared that, for her, the naming question is tangled up in her ongoing processing of the fact that her first grandchild isn’t “her” first grandchild in the way she always imagined. I think the name she chooses represents the role she sees herself having in his life, and she’s still working that out in her own mind. Like every other naming process in adoption, it can be a terribly emotional issue.
Kids in my family use Yia Yia, Ha Ha, Grandma “Put name here”, Gran, Nanny, Maman, and more, some referring to stepgrandparents or grandparents of cousins, step-relatives and half-relatives who aren’t really grandparents at all to the kids doing the calling.
In a family as convoluted as mine is, we’ve chosen to be pretty cavalier about this category of title.
My granddaughter calls her greatgrandmother ‘Grandma”, her paternal grandmother “Nana” and me “Grammy” … I’m the one that wanted her thinking there was an awards show named after me for at least a couple of years.
Sandra; I love that someone else uses Yia Yia. Nicholas actually randomly came up with it himself and then we learned that it’s Greek for Grandma. Mom loves it. (I love it too, really…!) I have a personal issue in my own family because my own (paternal) grandfather is “Papau” so I “feel” that my Dad should also be Papau, not Josh’s Dad. But he’s also Papau. I deal, obviously.
HeatherS; I know my own parents also have some issue with their “first” grandchild not being raised in/around their home. It’s been hard for them at times.
Lisa; kids are great with the naming, aren’t they?
My kids Bio-grandparents are just called Grandma or Grandpa, with exception of middle daughter’s Great Grandma & she is “Granny “(with her name that rhymes with Granny)
We called my step-grandmother, whose name was Nancy, Grand-Nan. I sure do miss my Grand-Nan
I hope someday that the bees grandparents want to be called anything by her. For now they will be Mr and Mrs “d” They don’t want to accept their daughters open adoption nor the role that they could have in the bees life as grandparents.
There are intact bio families, with grandparents on both sides.
There are intact adoptive families with grandparents on both sides.
There are step grandparents, ex grand parents, the older couple who live next door who everyone calls grandma and grandpa.
To small children, old people are grandma’s and grandpa’s.
To small children any woman who doesn’t look like a little kid must be a mommy, someones mommy.
Sometimes everyone just gets to worried about who and what.
My kids had at one time had, bio grandparents, step grandparents,and 2 sets of great-grandparents, and the lady next door.
lets see, my mom and her hubby,
my bio dad and his wife,
my step/adad
my hubbies parents
my grandparents on both sides
so that makes 11 grandparents of varying age and positon in thier family, plus the lady next door ups it to 12. With lots of love.
in an adoptive family, what’s two or four more? that is if they can all get along of course.
at first my parents addressed gifts and such as being from their first names. They always acknowledge they are grandparents but didn’t want to give themselves that title on gifts out of respect for the other grandparents involved. This has changed J (a-dad) just flat out told me to tell them to address things from grandma first name and grandpa first name just like all M’s other grandparents do. They are now thrilled that they get to write from grandma and grandpa on things to him.
The boys call their biological grandparents grandma and grandpa when they are talking to them. If it is the boys talking with me, its Grandma Smith, or Grandpa Jones. Works well and no one gets confused. John
All I know is that my DD’s 25 year-old stepson-to-be (she’s 28!) is NOT going to call me ‘Grama!’ I’m not old enough yet for that!!!As he has a terrific sense of humor, I’m sure he’ll come up with something good.