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As promised in yesterday’s post, I had a recent discussion with some other mothers, during which the fact that we’re all in different relationships with our parents due to circumstance and personality was really evident. The issues of adoption and forgiveness run deep. The parent-child dynamic is a complex one without complications caused by grief and loss.
I asked these mothers how they forgave their parents. The answers, as usual, varied. Some haven’t yet forgiven and don’t expect to do so in the future, simply putting aside their own feelings in hopes of having any relationship with their family. Some have simply tossed the relationship into the round file with no hope of fishing it out. Some were able to find that forgiveness in various ways.
For one mother, the dynamic of the relationship before the adoption took place has decided how she has emotionally proceeded. For some, her words will hit home.
I have a real hard time forgiving. But here’s the thing, my troubles in this particular topic are just one more stone to the pile. The actions, inactions, behaviors, emotions and relationship conflicts were there long before the adoption happened.
They could not be my soft place to fall.
When dealing with parents who weren’t emotionally supportive or available prior to the issues surrounding placement, the complexities can get bigger and murkier. For birth parents facing these types of parental issues, my only (inexperienced) advice would be not to take upon yourself the entire burden for the failures in the relationship. While you should accept your responsibility for actions and words, you can’t change people. Forgiving people doesn’t change them (though, it can be argued that it changes your own heart which thus changes you). If you’re having an extremely difficult time dealing with the failure of this relationship, your part in it or how all power was removed from your hands by someone else’s personality type, please consider seeing a therapist to sort through these emotions.
For two other mothers, having their parents ask for forgiveness by offering an apology was the catalyst in the process. While they both admit that not all parents may offer up such an apology, they have great points to make about the continuing process of forgiveness.
I believe I have forgiven them but I still struggle to understand. Meaning I am not angry or bitter or punishing them but I just don’t understand HOW they could let it happen. Of course, intellectually, I realize they were products of their own dysfunctional upbringings, societies views and the teachings of a conservative catholic church. They may not have been the best parents for me but they did the best they could given what they knew and believed.
I’ve seen other birth parents struggle with that understanding, thinking that they fully had to understand to fully forgive. Personally, I don’t believe that is true. The fact remains that the relationship is complex in itself and adoption is complex in itself, leaving a maze of crazy twists and turns. I personally don’t understand why my parents and I had an absolute inability to properly communicate and, honestly, I’ve given up trying to analyze it, understand it. I’ve just accepted the fact that something went horribly wrong because of the stress and chaos. I think it can be said of many parents who watched (or helped) their child place a child for adoption that they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt you (or me). (Though it can be argued that they should have had an inkling as to how much it would hurt to be separated from a child.)
On the same note, another mother really hinted to the core of what forgiveness is about:
I had to realize that forgiving is about my own well-being and health; it’s not about religion or something I “should” do; it’s not for the sake of the person who wronged me; and it’s not the same as condoning what happened. It’s simply about releasing anger [other emotions], so that I can be healthy and well.
In a nutshell: had to realize that forgiveness is for me, not for the person I forgive.
As I mentioned briefly above, forgiveness isn’t for the person you’re forgiving; it’s not going to change them and if they don’t know about it or care about it, they’re not going to be impressed with your ability to forgive no matter their disposition. It’s about you, your well-being and how you feel about yourself in light of everything that has happened.
In the Steps to Forgiveness on the Forgiveness Day website, we see the theme mentioned above run through quite a few of the various steps. Step number five speaks volumes about your own responsibility to yourself in this healing process.
Realize that you are the only person responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is going on inside of you.
Remembering that you are in charge of how you feel (not how your mom or your dad feel) can help certain people look towards forgiveness in a different light.
For me, forgiveness took awhile. I was angry and hurt, confused and deeply saddened. I didn’t want to forgive; I needed to be angry at them for their involvement (or lack of involvement due to communication problems) in the placement of my daughter. And then our son was born. My parents and I were not talking at the time, still lost in a tumultuous relationship of blame games for which I was also responsible. As I looked at my son, who had eyes like his sister before him, eyes like my own, eyes like my mother and her family, I just couldn’t do it any longer. I called them from the hospital to let them know that their grandson was born, was healthy. We began a slow fixing of our relationship.
My forgiveness wasn’t immediate on the day of our son’s birth; my heart was softened enough to let me move towards the forgiveness. I wanted to forgive them, I needed to forgive them. In my mind, my daughter, by default, had already been denied a relationship with people who I knew were going to be outstanding grandparents. Frankly, I didn’t want that for our son. As I began therapy shortly after his birth, fully forgiving my parents was one of the first things I worked on with my therapist. The apology from my mother didn’t come until just over a year after his birth. While I could have, at that point, lived without it, her words answered questions that had been left unanswered and soothed a few open wounds. I would have still wanted that relationship with my mother and father even if the words had never come over a New Year’s Eve dinner. I realize how lucky I am to have heard them, knowing full well that so many other birth parents never hear “I’m Sorry.”
Taking advice from the Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance website, I encourage birth parents who haven’t yet reached this point but long for it to decide to forgive. It’s not the same as forgiving, mind you, as I don’t think it’s a one-step process. Deciding to forgive may soften your heart or help you see things in a different light. It may still be a long and arduous process but, for me at least, just the simple decision of wanting to forgive my parents lifted a heavy burden off of my heart.
I can’t tell you how to deal with your own parents; you know them, you know your own situation. If this is something you’re struggling with, I encourage you to seek out other websites on forgiveness or seek out a skilled therapist. In the end, remember that it’s for your benefit, not for either parent. Don’t do it for them; do it for yourself.
If you have a story of forgiveness or a question, please share. While I am not a trained professional in the area of forgiveness, I can offer support and possibly links or resources. When it comes down to it, sharing our experiences helps others learn that they are not alone in their forgiveness journey. If you can, please share.
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For more on forgiveness, read:
1. Forgiving Your Own Parents.
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Photo Credit. Resource for Meanings of Flowers. Article Reference for Steps to Forgiveness.
Powerful post!!
“Forgiving people doesn’t change them (though, it can be argued that it changes your own heart which thus changes you).”
ABSOLUTELY!! I am still in the process of forgiving my mother as well as other abusers for severely traumatizing me throughout my childhood. As I let go of the bitterness, their lives are not changed. However, mine has changed enormously. They already made my childhood miserable: I refuse to let them ruin my adulthood, too. Forgiveness is about healing myself.
GREAT series!!
- Faith
I have never had a relationship with my mom where I felt comfortable talking to her about ANYTHING deep or meaningful, so she’s only mentioned my son’s adoption 3 or 4 times in 4 years–and not even talking, just a very simple “did you get his pics?” kind of thing once a year.
I haven’t forgiven her yet, but I know she feels guilt. In some ways, I don’t think I ever will, only because we have managed the past 4 years without dredging it up fully–and I’m not sure I’m comfortable actually sharing the depth of my pain with her.
As another mother said, the problems we had BEFORE placement only exacerbated the “crisis” or my pregnancy. We had a history of not having the best relationship long before I became pregnant.