A Story of Love, Disappointment and Stereotype Breaking

As I continue to share stories about weddings, marriage and adoption from other birth parents, an important issue to hit on is when birth parents of the (same) placed child marry. It is a long-standing myth within the adoption world and society at large that birth parents had no caring feelings for one another, were only a one night stand or that the majority of birth parents can’t remember their partner’s name. Tara and her Husband, Chad, involved in a fully open adoption with their son, disprove that myth.

As the adoption with their son is fully open, complete with visits, Tara didn’t hesitate in telling her son’s family about the wedding, inviting the family and asking her son and his sister (not their placed child) to be involved in the ceremony. However, she was somewhat shocked by the final outcome.

My son and his family were invited to our wedding. I had also asked that the children be in the wedding. They said no to the kids being in the wedding, which on some level I had anticipated but it still hurt. I could understand their reasoning behind that. What I could not understand was they rejected our invitation to attend the wedding completely. I was devastated. I was so hurt. I didn’t really get an answer as to why, except it wasn’t right for their family. That hurt the most – how can we not be right for their family? It took me a lot to get over the anger I experienced over them not coming.

I was a support for Tara during this time and I can attest to the fact that she was devastated. While the adoptive family, like any family, is 100% allowed to do what they feel is right for their family, an actual reason would have alleviated many of Tara’s fears and negative emotions at the time. Hearing that you are “not right” in any shape or form is not only hard to deal with but insulting at best. Tara shows us that birth parents are human; she admits that she experienced anger as a reaction to their lack of ability to provide that answer. However, she does state that she did move past it which is also hopeful for other birth parents who may experience something similar. While I have tried to guess many reasons why the adoptive family refused to even attend the wedding, perhaps they were experiencing some fears that adoptive parents may feel upon their child’s birth parents wedding.

As you can imagine, wedding days are hectic. Tara, still upset by the family’s lack of attendance, was trying to ignore the fact that he wasn’t there but, alas, sometimes minds have a way of working on their own speed and at their own time.

It was a very hectic day and honestly I tried very hard not to think about them not being there. We had a slideshow of pictures of Chad and I and moments in our lives at the reception – well when the pictures of Thomas came on, I just couldn’t help myself and I just started to bawl.

Thankfully, Tara’s sister-in-law recognized that brides shouldn’t have to have emotional breakdowns at their wedding and comforted her during this time. Dealing with adoption issues on top of what is already a very busy and emotionally charged day can be draining. Having those friends and family members who support you the most at the ready can help get you through some of the harder moments.

Banking off of the way that they recognized their son at the reception, I asked if they had done anything to acknowledge Thomas in the ceremony as well. Tara, speaking honestly, hints to how upset she was during this time.

We did not formally recognize them at our wedding. Had they been there we would have – just with a thank you for coming type of thing. J (the adoptive dad) had actually written up something that he wanted to have read at the reception, but I just didn’t feel comfortable having it read. Part of it was that we are really open about the adoption with most of our family however there are people who don’t know and aren’t comfortable with it. Part of me not wanting it read was my anger. I just didn’t want to think about them not being there it hurt too bad.

When I asked Tara how she thought the adoption would affect the marriage, she brought up a point that I think many birth parents who marry one another may struggle with:

the fact that we, in the end, got married and are planning on having more children together makes me question the adoption itself. Were the reasons we placed Thomas “good enough” you know?

This is proof that emotional reactions to adoption can and often do change over time. At the time of placement, Tara and Chad may have felt secure in their decision. However, now that they are financially stable and in a loving “two-parent” home, doubts have risen from the confusing fog that surrounds adoption. Some people try to placate birth parents by giving them the advice that they “did the best that they could have done at the time.” Instead, acknowledging that those emotional reactions have changed and that they are still okay would serve the parties better in the end. As we grow and mature in our life experience, questioning things we have done and the reasons behind them can help us learn more about our inner selves. I think many a birth parent, married to the other biological parent or not, has dealt with whether or not the reasons for placement were good enough especially after a life-altering change like a marriage or a birth of another child.

At the end of our interview, I asked Tara to share any advice she had to share with other birth parents planning to wed. She had some good stuff and posed questions to birth parents that get the mind working. Answering these before you plan that wedding and walk down that aisle may help avoid future problems (at least SOME problems!).

I think it’s just adding another person to the mix of the adoption – how does your significant other and their family feel about you having a child that was placed for adoption. I didn’t have to deal with that as Chad went through the adoption with me and his family knows about it for the most part. How will “being successful” and getting married affect how you feel about the adoption in the first place – will it cause you some regret? It’s hard to say, but I think it could. For me it did.

It is important for me to note that Tara’s regret has not damaged the relationship she has with her son’s family. It is possible for birth parents to have that regret and not place the blame on the adoptive family. Regret doesn’t always have to be scary. It can be healthy to acknowledge that you would have done something differently if you could redo your life decisions as long as you are not dragging other people into your blame game and hurting others with negative words and reactions.

In the end, I love Tara and Chad’s story. Their love survived something that often drags people apart: the relinquishment of a child. As they entered this new part of their lives together, they wanted to involve that child and his family because of how much the family means to them, how much they love the family. While that didn’t happen, Tara and Chad are still happily married. Certain hurts and angers can be dealt with so that relationships can continue to grow, especially if it is in the best interest of the child.

We wish Tara and Chad continued love and joy.

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For more on weddings, marriage and adoption, read:

1. Planning a Wedding as a Birth Mother.

2. Marriage: Fears from Birth Parents.

3. Marriage: Fears from Adoptive Parents.

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