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This story makes me angry, and I am going to write about why it does. Bare with me, I want to be brutally honest about why this story angers me so, and many adoptive parents may thoroughly disagree with my point of view. If you are not in a mood for such frankness today, don’t say that I did not warn you!
What is there to say when the child you have come to embrace as your own is taken from you?
How do you grieve for the son you never met?
The quote above is from the author of this story. He is a potential adoptive father, and he writes about the nightmare of “losing” a child because its mother changed her mind about placing her child for adoption.
For me, this story embodies much that is wrong with the concept of adoption matching before a baby or child is legally adoptable. I hear the term “high-risk placement,” used at times, and think to myself any placement sealed before a baby is legally cleared for adoption should be considered an at risk situation.
On the forums at adoption.com, I have seen people express similar views. This potential adoptive parent talks about having the child he embraced as his own “taken away.” He and his wife never had this boy in their custody.
Although adoption proceedings were under way, this child’s mother did not choose to allow her son to be adopted. Why is it so difficult to understand that a woman might change her mind about placing her child for adoption? It should not be any mystery if a woman decides not to place her child.
Why does this article bother me so much? Hmm, let me count the ways. I believe that potential adoptive parents who start off calling a child that they may potentially adopt “my child” before that child legally is their child are setting themselves up for disaster. It makes no sense to me. If you take a child into your home, I understand becoming attached to that child. However, that is an entirely different situation.
Everything need not make sense to me, but it is extremely hard for me to understand why someone insists on calling a child, “my child,” before it really is. If a child has spent some time living with a family, it is very different. That I understand.
However, to prematurely call a child that you have never seen (or in some cases, never will) “your child” just seems wrong on many levels. And then to compare losing that child because its mother decided to parent it like a miscarriage is even worse.
Carrying a child within your womb means that child is a part of you. You had a part in its creation and losing a child to a miscarriage, death or adoption surely must be like losing a part of yourself. To compare those situations with a placement that did not work as planned seems wrong to me.
Am I saying that a child must be related to you to matter to you? Of course not. Once a child is adopted and legally yours, many adoptive parents form lifelong bonds with their children. I do not discount or dispute that this is often the case.
However, just as expectant mothers should not cut ties with their children too prematurely, adoptive parents should not embrace a child as their own – until the child is legally adoptable. What about foster parents? A different situation. What about if you have custody of your child before the adoption is final. Again, it is a different situation, but you can save everyone some grieve if you do not match children until they are legally adoptable.
Expect mothers to change their minds about relinquishing their children to adoption. It is their right to do so, no questions asked. Pre-birth matching or even matching prior to a child becoming cleared for adoption both carry some serious, and unnecessary risks for all parties.
Heartbreak can be minimized in adoption if no one tries to adopt a child before that child is legally adoptable. Likewise, a pregnant mother should not give up on parenting a child still in the womb in most cases. Babies should not be assigned different parents until there is a definite need.
This article goes on to talk about how devastated this couple is, and most people clearly offer great sympathy and understand their feelings. Yet, when a young mother loses a child to adoption, many are surprised at how deeply she is affected and sometimes have little, if any, sympathy for her.
The couple in this story are quickly offered another baby. However, for a young mother encouraged or pressured into adoption, she may have to wait a long time or forever for another baby. Yet, she is ridiculed for her anguish and told to get over it. Guess it is just a double standard, but it bothers me.
Further Reading:
Coping with a Failed Placement
Photo by Jan Baker 2007
Very annoying. And I just love this quote:
“What is there to say when the child you have come to embrace as your own is taken from you?”
Yes, it sucks when you are parted from your child. But that’s exactly what he expects the first mother to undergo.
It IS a double standard and it should bother you. It should bother all of us! Would he have felt the same pity for the birth mother that he expects people to feel for him and his wife now?
I’m with you on this, Jan.
Although I can understand people getting excited … carried away, even … with the idea of a child coming into the family, the reality of pre-birth matching, something I also think is a bad idea under most circumstances, leaves options open, and very rightfully so. No child is yours until it’s yours. Until that time it is most certainly NOT … it’s someone else’s child.
Expectant parents considering making an adoption plan have EVERY RIGHT to stop considering that same plan right up until the time they officially relinquish, and every hopeful adoptive parent should do whatever they can to be sure that that decision is reached only after every bit of knowledge has been passed along and every effort has been made to assure that the biological parents are completely and totally aware of every potential ramification that might arise and every other option they may have.
As you know, since you helped me when I was working on the pertinent sections, in the book I wrote on US infant adoptions I strenuously admonish hopeful adoptive parents against making assumptions, claims, suppositions even, about the child. That’s nothing but covetous and dangerous.
Anyone who grieves over a child pre-matched, but parented by its mother grieves for the loss of the idea of a child, not for ‘their’ child, and agencies should do everything they can to protect families from this.
Once again, though, it’s up to the people involved to educate themselves.
Sorry for the tirade, but I feel strongly about this, too.
I agree with you on this, Jan.
I realize that the adoptive parents need to steel themselves against feeling entitled towards a baby who isn’t “theirs” yet, but it would be extremely helpful if the adoption agency and other adoption professionals would do better jobs at educating pre-adoptive parents about the realities of adoption. As you can see from the article, it’s the social worker who’s the one who states that it’s like losing a baby from a miscarriage.
That doesn’t relieve the adoptive parents of the responsibility of educating themselves about the realities of adoption either.
I’ll be interested to see how many adoptive parents do disagree with you. Most that I know through my blog would actually agree with your viewpoint on this one.
Yeah, Jan…I can’t even fathom how anyone would go “fist to cuffs” with you on this. The article seemed to be more of a blog disguised as a news piece…I don’t understand how this would help anybody.
It seems it lends itself to the miseducation of not only prospective adoptive families, but also the general public. It perpetuates the “mean ol’ birthmom” stereotype.
I know we can all get mad about the article, but I do want to ask that we just keep them in our thoughts, and hope that they will see the light of the bigger picture. I hope they heal but reconcile their hurt with something more positive. Maybe we can send them a link to adoptionblogs….;)
I agree with you 1000% We had a failed placement last year. A little girl came into our home and then her mother choose to parent her. Yes we were sad, we were heartbroken because she was with us and we loved her. BUT we were thankful that her mother realized that they needed each other and that they were a family and that she COULD do this thing called parenting! We have since stayed in touch and are very close and very good friends and talk almost every day. This mother is a great example of how addiction and poverty can be overcome and how they do NOT keep you from being a great parent.
I also believe that in our case our failed placement made us more sympathetic toward placing mothers. Sure our pain was WAY different, but it did give us a reference point for the beginning of the pain KWIM? It is because of our failed placement that we are so sensitive to parents rights and placing women and reform.
erin_d_a – THANK YOU for understanding this girl’s mother. I’m sure it’s taken alot of strength to forgive her. And I find it absolutely WONDERFUL that you have built a relationship and are there for her. You are truely a special person.
I chose to parent my son in the end and know the GREAT amount of pain I caused the aparents. They have not forgiven me and I suspect they never will. Her friends call me a baby stealer. I didn’t steal my son he was mine. For some reason they were meant to be there for my son while I got my act together. My son will grow to learn the special role they played in his life. If he was meant to be theirs, he would be with them today. My heart cried many tears for them as well, but I had to parent my son. I am very sorry for the pain I have caused them.
There were MANY things done sooo very wrong during my adoption plan. I didn’t realize them at the time though. Now, now I see where change definately needs to be made in adoption.
Jan, most older child placements today are fos-adopt. The placed child will be in the home probably 1 to 2 years before the TPR, and the agencies expect the fos-adopt family to adopt the child if the TPR happens. That can not happen unless the family bonds with the child as their child before the TPR.
You are correct that the child is not yet adoptable until the TPR. It would take a very cold set of adoptive parents to not think of the placed child as theirs until the TPR. Of course they will suffer if the child has to be returned. If they were cold enough to be able to not care until the TPR, they would be mighty poor parents. John
The agency who set these people up should be ashamed of themselves. If they were given one smidgen of understanding of the process they would not be so shocked and confused. It’s reasonable that they would still be a little sad; anyone who truly understands the potential of the gift should value it very very much, don’t you think?
Here’s the sentence that left me dumbstruck: “Can his birth mother offer him a life better than the one Cheryl and I could provide?” Gah.
That is absolutely the result of colonialism and a poor grasp of the ethics of adoption in a struggling country; actually of adoption, period. Has this adoptive family read nothing, spoken to no one with experience? That’s even more heartbreaking.
Thank you for posting this.
I had to ponder this story for awhile before I responded. Unfortunately, international adoptions do work this way. You do get to “know” your child for months through pictures and reports from the FM. You do feel as if the child is “yours” regardless of the final decision.
Did I fear that the bm would decide she wanted to parent him? Yes. Would I have grieved and felt like my heart had been broken? Yes. In fact, my adoption plans for another country fell through (political instability – I was never referred a child) BUT, I still grieved.
I, in fact, more than most adoptive parents seemed to actually hold myself back from committing to my son until I had him in my arms – but many adoptive parents fall in love right away. I must admit I never did quite understand that – however, I do understand this parent’s grief and anger.
Should the BM have decided to parent my son, that would actually be the best reason for my adoption not to have happened as opposed to long drawn out investigations that left him languishing in foster care or an orphanage for years (this happens far too frequently – no one ends up parenting the child – I know three people going through this scenario right now)
So, I can understand both sides in this, but certainly more power to the BM if she decides to parent her child.
Romee
We had a failed placement from Guatemala, not due to the BM changing her mind, but because of the unethical actions of the lawyer involved with the case.
So, we had a bunch of photos, a name picked out, clothes bought and a thousand discussions about “when Joshua comes this” and “when Joshua comes that” and so on.
Did I grieve when we lost that placment? You betcha. And I’m not ashamed of it. My ability to bond and to love intensely is one of my best characteristics, IMO, both as a person and as a parent. And so say my friends and family. I don’t think I would have be a better parent if I had said “Oh, I see. So when are you going to get me another one?”. We took time to grieve and put off our agency for the time we felt we needed to get back on track and be able to give all that we needed to another referral. And, of course, that referral turned into ds and we are so, so blessed with him.
I think, after so much time spent learning and getting to know some birthmothers both IRL and on the Net, that I wouldn’t have been so upset if our placment had failed because his birthmom decided to parent. I would have grieved for ME in losing a child I had already bonded to, but I wouldn’t have grieved for HIM, since he was going where he was supposed to be in the first place; before the crap of the world interferred. Hope that makes sense…it’s kind of hard to take the emotion and translate it into black and white words……
I can’t imagine the heartbreak in a failed placement and have great empathy for hopeful adoptive parents who have to endure the pain of losing a child who they thought was to be theirs.
In too many cases tho’, it is interesting to note the change in attitude about the non-relinquishing mother. Before – selfless angel. After – selfish slut.
Happy G’Ma
First of all, there seems to be some misunderstanding of how the aoption process works in Guatemala. At four different stages of the process, the birthmother must sign an agreement that the child will be adopted. This actually gives the birthmother more rights than in some countries where they need to sign only once. In order to reach the four stages where the birthmother signs (or decides not to sign) there needs to be an adoption process in progress. That means the child has been referred to someone who wants to adopt him/her.
Second, as someone who experienced a lost referral in a different country, I can say that while it may not be wise to do so, it is almost impossible not to start feeling a bond with the child you are trying to adopt. You start planning, dreaming and imagining life with this specific child. Rationally, you can tell yourself not to do this but emotionally it’s nearly impossible. Losing a referral can cause real pain and grief.
Reading your blog has made me better appreciate the pain and loss that birth parents feel. I understand that society sometimes deligitimizes this grief and I’ve come to see how wrong this is. However, I feel it’s also wrong, though on a different level, to tell people they have no right to grieve over a lost referral.
“Rationally, you can tell yourself not to do this but emotionally it’s nearly impossible”
This is very true. Thanks rakefet!
Thanks to all for your comments. I learn so much from your feedback!
“However, I feel it’s also wrong, though on a different level, to tell people they have no right to grieve over a lost referral.”
You are right. I agree that everyone has a right to grieve over anything that they want. It just seems wrong to compare losing a placement or referral to a miscarriage. Plus, it bothers me to see the double standard – so much sympathy for a lost referral and sometimes little to none for a birth mother.
“It just seems wrong to compare losing a placement or referral to a miscarriage.”
When we lost our referral, there was a lot of talk about “miscarriage”; it seemed to be a way people could “understand” the grieving that we did. But, to me, it’s apples and oranges. They’re not the same thing and the causes, timing and resolution of the grief are not the same.
There are things in the adoption process prior to placement that are like pregnancy and then there are things that are not.
Quite frankly, the whole thing about comparing the waiting in adoption to being pregnant just wasn’t something that I felt fit our situation.
I want to tell you first off I aggree with you in the sense that the first mom should be able to change her mind. However I just want you to know from a woman who is in the midst of the adoption process. I have lost four babies to miscarriage and I know that if our adoption abrupts that WILL feel very similar. The baby that will be ours is already growing in my heart in the same real way that the babies we lost were growing in my womb. I will not be angry with our BM if she changes her mind. I know that it is a very real possibility – but I don’t think it’s fair to expect adoptive parents not to grieve that abruption. In fact wouldn’t it be sad if adoptive parents were not already loving that child with all their being and becoming parents in their hearts.