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When a woman finds herself unexpectedly pregnant, there are two important parts of her body that she needs to be certain to use. The brain is required when she is weighing her options. She needs to think about all the practicalities and logistical issues in raising a child.
She needs to carefully look at all her options in a reasoned manner. If she is considering parenting, she should honestly evaluate the situation and come up with some reasonable ways to provide for her child. It is also wise for her to seek out support and resources from her family, church and the community.
If a woman is considering adoption for her child, she needs to research and educate herself about possible affects for her child and herself. Talking to adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents is an excellent way for her to learn. Then, once she has compiled adequate information about adoption and parenting, she needs to use one other part of her body.
Next, she needs to search her heart, and pay attention to her feelings. Using your brain is crucial in deciding how to handle a crisis pregnancy. However, using your heart is extremely important as well. You cannot ignore your heart or your brain when making a decision. Women who regret their decisions often ignore their hearts. They listen only to skeptics who tell them that they are unworthy, too young, too poor or too lacking in the necessary skills to parent.
The love of a child is often enough to surmount seemingly impossible odds. Many young women grow and mature quickly when faced with parenting obligations. When a woman is strongly motivated to parent, she may be able to overcome many roadblocks and obstacles that initially may seem impossible to overcome. No woman really knows for certain what kind of mother that she will be at any age. However, being strongly motivated and committed to parenting can go a long ways towards becoming a successful parent.
In listening to your heart, you need to put yourself into each anticipated role (parenting or choosing adoption) and try it on for awhile. Imagine how you will feel years down the road for each option. If you feel strongly inclined to parent and allow others to convince you otherwise, the probability is high that you will regret your decision later on down the road.
Talk to some birth mothers and ask them how they felt years down the road. Ask them if it got easier as many people say that it does. Find out if placing their child for adoption gave them satisfaction and made them feel as though they made the right choice. Read about the birth mother experience, and adoptees’ experiences as well.
Talk to young mothers. Babysit for friends. Find out about the joys and tribulations of parenting. Ask a few mothers who considered adoption, but changed their mind. Find some mothers who did choose adoption and compare them with the parenting mothers. Will you feel resentful if you parent? Or, will you melt when you see your child for the first time, and know that you cannot bear to lose your child and will do whatever it takes to parent?
Nearly a year ago, I advised a young pregnant woman considering her options to use her heart and her head. She struggled mightily for nearly the whole nine months. Her parents were not supportive and encouraged her to relinquish. Yet, ultimately she chose to parent. I asked her why she decided to do so.
She told me that she remembered what I had said about using your heart and your head. In the end, she listened to her heart. “I listened to my heart,” she said, “because when I listened to my head, it kept changing, but my heart never did.” She did not ignore the practical issues though either. Even before her decision was final, she found resources for parenting and adoption. Those reluctant parents? They fell hard for their grandchild and welcomed her child into the family lovingly.
No matter what decision you make, there are no guarantees.
This is one of the best posts I’ve read on this site. Brava!
Jan, you explained something that is confusing to lot of guys. How can a young lady, with hormones raging, and her life in termoil, posibly make a careful well thought out decision? Sudden accelreated maturity based on need. Happens to guys put into combat at a young age. It has to be terribly difficult to work thorugh that decision. Great post. John
Thank you both! Actually John, that isn’t too bad an analogy, young men in combat situations and young teen pregnant women. Both face some serious life-altering situations, and may need to grow up fast. Some can do it, others cannot. It IS extremely difficult to make a well thought out decision. For many young women, it is doubly hard because they make feel a need to deny their feelings for their child as a survival mechanism. They want to believe that adoption will be a good decision.
Young women can benefit from stable and grounded advice from people who really are educated about adoption. I mean other triad members, not necessarily social/agency workers.
I, too, have people trying to convince me that I am too young and too poor to have a child. The father bailed out on me the instant I told him, which makes matters worse. However, I have always wanted to be a mother, and just because it’s unplanned does not mean that it’s any less of a blessing. My heart tells me that I am going to love being a mother even if its not always enjoyable.