e-mail
The question has arisen here in bloggerland at adoptionblogs.com on several occasions as to the wisdom of adopting as a charitable act. As a birth mother, I have thus far resisted the temptation to comment on this query. However, ignoring issues is not in my nature, so I decided to comment in a post on this particular issue.
The subject of adopting with a “do-gooder” mentality is one that I have heard adoptees discuss. When a discussion ensues on this topic, voices rise and faces often redden. The motivations for adopting can be an extremely sensitive subject in the adoption world. I tend to approach the topic through my birth mother lens.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to do good works in the world. In fact, I have always believed that as citizens of the world, we all have a responsibility to help those less fortunate. Ever since I was a teenaged candy-striper, I have tried to volunteer my time helping others in various ways.
Although as a young child, I always believed that I might eventually adopt a few children to add to a family with biological children, it did not happen for me. Long story, but instead of becoming an adoptive parent, I became a mother who relinquished a child. I share this only to indicate that I had a long history of believing that adoption was a noble and positive institution.
However, I know that I cringe when I read somehow talk about adopting because they want to do good in this world, or because they feel “called” to adopt. I have given considerable thought as to why this seems to bother me so much since I believe wholeheartedly in good works and helping others.
The conclusion that I have reached is that I believe that there is only one central and valid reason to adopt, and to “do good works” is not that reason. In my mind, no one should adopt unless they are sincerely interested and desirous of raising a child. In reality, people who mention that they are adopting due to a desire to do charitable works, probably genuinely do want to parent.
However, voicing the thought that one is adopting out of a sense of charity is, in my opinion, a very bad idea. As a birth parent, it hurts me to think that anyone would consider an adopted child in need of “charity.” In reality, that may sometimes be the case, particularly with international adoptions.
However, how do you imagine that adoptees feel when someone infers that they were adopted as a kindness or a charitable act? I know that hurts adoptees and makes some of them cringe too when they hear an adoptive parent speak of “wanting to save a child.” Again, sometimes children really do need to be saved from dire facts, but that should not be the sole motivating factor to adopt.
The problem with publicly stating that you are adopting as a charitable act is the clear implication that you are doing a kind act that should be praised and/or appreciated. Although I would agree that society as a whole should appreciate the goodness of adoptive parents, expecting a child to be “grateful” for having been “saved” is inherently a bad concept. The notion that a child was saved by being removed from the custody of their original parents is a slippery slope and a dangerous road to travel.
Even when it is true, it can serve no useful purpose to remind an adopted child of how lucky they are. They may feel fortunate to have the adoptive family that they do. However, they may or may not feel fortunate for circumstances that removed them from their original family, and in some cases their country of origin. Children may have been unjustly removed or relinquished, and to insinuate that they were “saved” from their first families may not necessarily be the truth. Even in cases when it is true, it is not appropriate to reinforce being “saved” from horrible people. Many adopted children may identify with their first families. Insulting or diminishing their birth family may also be hurtful to them as well.
Other blogs on the subject:
Tana – Adoption as a Charity Part 1. and Part 3
Erin – Adoption – Selfish or Saving a Child? Part 1 and Part 2.
I have started to respond twice but stopped each time – now I am proceeding.
My husband and I would not be in the process of adopting our little girl if we had not first – felt the desire to help children through fostering. Yes, we wanted to “do something good” for the sake of others. Yes, we felt “called” to share our home and our love with the children of our county. In the process of trying to do “something good” — we found a little girl that captivated our heart and showed us that we could after raising two children – (that are now married) bring her into our home and love her and call her our own. She is the delight of our days and we love her dearly — but she came to us because of our desire to help others.
I, too, cringe at the notion of adoptive parents “saving” a child. I, personally hope to adopt in the future, as I want to parent, and I feel adoption is one of the right ways for me to build my family. In this, it could, perhaps, be said that I feel “called” to adopt. However, I would never view an adopted child as a charity case. All children are treasures, and deserve to be cherished, appreciated and wanted by their families. If someone does not wish, with all of his/her heart, to parent an adopted child, he/she should help charity in other ways.
I’ve said it before. I adopted my son for very selfish reasons. I wanted a child. Hopefully, he will be happy with the decision that we made. If he ever feels “grateful for being saved,” I think I will have failed as a parent.
Adopting from foster care is in my opinion different..
As a birthmother, I want the adoptive mother, to just want to be a mommy. I don’t need her to save my child. If she wanted to save someone and help them, adopt mother and baby so they can stay together..
So I just want PAPs to just want to be mommy and dadddy.. to start a family and raise kids. I find that the highest order and a excellent reason to adopt.
Foster adoption is a different thing. Children don’t go to foster homes unless, for the most part, they are removed from their homes.
Voluntary relinquishment is different. Healthy mom, healthy baby, too young, wrong time in life.. whatever the reason.
Ick, I hate it when people say things like that to me. We didn’t adopt our son to “save” him; we adopted him to be parents to him.
I would never want him to feel grateful to us. I want him to feel the same way every other kid feels about their parents, and so far, as he’s talked about running away, wanting a mommy who’s not mean, etc. etc. (along with all the very sweet things he says to me), I think we’re doing OK in that respect. Heh.
I just want to be a parent NOW. For some reason I feel drawn to adopt internationally first, leaning towards Vietnam. I don’t want my future cub thinking he owes me something for the selfish decision I have to adopt him and become a parent. I don’t want him to feel like he has to “pay me back” or something stupid like that. I just want him to grow up strong and content and confident inside himself.
Though I can see a person wanting to adopt from foster care to help a child or adopt a child from an orphanage who is suffering there. That sort of thing really needs to be tempered with realistic expectations and the fact that you will NOT get a nobel prize for it and 9 out of 10 people will not say, what a wonderful thing to do but, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? Look at these distorted statistics! Nor will a person that does this be mother Teresa, they will just get all the mess and frustration and fun of raising a child, and that’s what counts in the first place and not people’s perspectives and the like…