Since I am not an adoptive parent, I have not dealt with this issue much so far. Eventually I will need to discuss adoption with my grandchildren. However, I would like to tell you how I think many birth mothers would prefer their children learn about adoption in closed adoptions:
1) Most birth mothers understand that their children should know about adoption from the very beginning. Not only does it make sense to me that adoption is treated as a fact of life to adoptees, not a Greek tragedy, experts agree. They also agree that in most cases you should not wait to tell your children until they are older about their adoptive status. How you view adoption and birth family can greatly affect how your child sees them.
2) Never lie about the birth family. If there is a reunion later, your children may uncover your lies and feel betrayed. Even when there are ugly truths, children should know when they are old enough. If you do not know details when asked, never make them up. If you need to say something, err on the side of being positive. Just be clear that you are speculating and really do not know.
3) Mention your child’s birth family and/or adoption from time to time. When you discuss them, it signals to your child that it is okay to talk about them. Your child will probably take cues from you. If you never discuss adoption or birth family, they may get the idea that both are taboo subjects. Do not assume that if they never say anything that they are not thinking about the subjects. They may avoid these subject for fear of hurting you.
4) Remember that your child may or may not identify with their birth family. If they do, and negative comments are made about their birth families, they may perceive them as personal attacks on themselves.
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