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Why do they do it? Don’t they know that walking away from their child will hurt them? It seems puzzling to some adoptive parents why birth parents walk away from an open adoption. They keep asking the question “why.”
It is not suprising to me now that I have learned alot about how open adoptions feel to birth parents. For starters, I have to believe that to go through the arduous process of adoption, most adoptive parents have their acts together somewhat. They are mostly stable and strong people to even be able to get through the process. Strong people sometimes cannot abide or comprehend weakness in others.
People who are committed to adopting often have a difficult time understanding the concept that even open adoptions are extremely painful and difficult for birth parents. Open adoptions do not remove the pain. The loss of a child is just as real.
Some adoptive parents are puzzled when birth parents disengage and walk away because they do not understand how a parent could hurt their child in that way. However,walking away, just like living in denial, is a survival mechanism. Birth mothers who walk away are struggling to survive the pain. Open adoptions do not allow much denial and keep the loss issue in your face nearly constantly.
It takes herculean strength for birth parents in open adoptions to continue to maintain a relationship with their child. Aren’t they grateful to see their child? Of course they are, but with each visit also comes another departure that hurts like crazy. The leaving renews the loss on a regular basis.
Another reason that some birth parents walk away is that they may believe that they have no value to their child. If they weren’t “good enough” to parent their child, they may believe that they have nothing positive to contribute to their child’s life. Adoption is only recently beginning to recognize that access to birth parents is good for a child. Many people still do not believe that contact with birth parents is necessary or beneficial. It follows that some birth parents might question whether their child needs them or not.
When you are a strong person yourself, it is sometimes difficult to understand how others can be so weak and unable to meet their obligations to their child. Walking away is not about love or caring for a child; it is about survival and self-preservation.
It takes herculean strength for birth parents in open adoptions to continue to maintain a relationship with their child. Aren’t they grateful to see their child? Of course they are, but with each visit also comes another departure that hurts like crazy. The leaving renews the loss on a regular basis.
Gah, so true for me.
This is always a hard topic for me to discuss because I understand the “why’s” of walking away… but at the same time, I want to say, “NO! YOUR CHILD DESERVES BETTER. SUCK IT UP AND DO IT.” And so often, I just say nothing.
Thank you for this post.
My son’s birthmother chose to move without providing a forwarding address, so the agency has no way to get the pictures and letters to her that I put together. (We have/had a semi-open adoption.) I had trouble understanding why she would do this. Couldn’t she just hold onto the packages and then look at the pictures when she was ready? But then I thought about how she specifically asked to be telephoned before each package was mailed so she could prepare herself for its arrival. So, my best guess is that it became too painful for her to see the pictures. Your post has helped me to validate this guess.
My son is only six, so he does not really understand much about his adoption at this point. He knows that I put together pictures and letters for his birthmother, but that’s about it. It helps to hear that this might be the reason she chose to stop receiving the pictures. I am certain this choice was not a “rejection” of my son, but I can see where he might consider it to be a rejection when he is older. I will do all I can to reassure him that he was not rejected.
Good topic!!
Take care,
- Faith
Faith,
I hope you will continue to put the packages together and send them to the agency. I hope the agency will save them. Someday, the birthmother may come back to retrieve that lost time…
Actually I think this is easier to understand than you give credit.
The reasons for walking away I have a problem with (and you fail to mention) is when a woman really just doesn’t have any concern. I know it is hard to believe, but some don’t. To me those situations would be hard to explain to a child, and hard to understand for other adults.
Fortunatly MOST birthparents are loving and do care, even if they cannot bring themselves to see their child. UNfortunatly there are always going to be a few who for whatever causes just have no concern. I wish it would be easy to say why that is, or what causes it but it isn’t. That IS hard to come to terms with, but PLEASE do not gloss over the fact that it DOES happen.
Thomasina,
I do still put the packages together. However, the agency will no longer accept them because they do not have the storage space for them. So, I am collecting them in my house. I have told the agency to let me know if my son’s birthmother contacts them, and I will send all of the packages along to her. I have decided to cut back to only doing them once a year instead of twice a year since they aren’t going anywhere, but I am still providing a year’s worth of pictures and information in them. If she does not contact the agency by my son’s 18th birthday, then I will give him the packages to do with as he pleases. He can bring them along if he searches for her, or he can have a written record of his childhood as well as a ton of pictures.
Take care,
- Faith
Thank you for your post. As adoptive parents we are struggling right now to deal with loss of contact from our DD’s birthparents. It is especially hard for me because several weeks before we lost contact our DD’s bmom sent us an e-mail saying that she wanted to e-mail every week so that our daughter would know how much she loves her. I don’t know why they have broken contact. We continue to send pictures and letters. We don’t push the issue, but would like them to at least tell us why they broke contact. Your post expresses very similar ideas that my husband has about the situation with a few additions. I know that it is hard for them, but I fear the impact it will have for my child in the future.
You all gave me such great feedback, I have decided to do a part 2 discussing this subject more. Thanks for all the good comments!