e-mail
Forgiveness is a huge issue for birth parents or for anyone for that matter. In fact, I believe that forgiveness is one of the most monumental tasks for birth parents. If you consider forgiveness as benefitting you more than the person that you forgive, I wonder if that makes it easier for you?
When someone has wronged you, you may not believe that they deserve to be forgiven. However, it really does not matter whether they deserve forgiveness or not. Nearly all religions preach the need to forgive others; I wonder if you are religious that it is easier to forgive others.
The best reason to forgive others is not because they deserve it, but I believe that it will probably help you more than the person that you forgive. If you consider that you owe your family members and friends the best possible “you”, you may consider that if you let go of some of your bitterness and anger, you will be a better person for those you love.
Forgiveness is extremely difficult for some, maybe for most of us. However, anger and all the negative energy that it takes to hate someone or something detracts from you as a person – as a mother – wife – friend. Sounds so easy, but it is anything but – to forgive.
Forgiving is a choice, not an easy one. However, I honestly see certain injustices, etc. and wonder how anyone can ever completely forgive some of the people that hurt them in adoption. I cannot fault those who feel unable to forgive because I know how difficult it really can be.
Who deserves our forgiveness the most, and yet may be our biggest challenge? If you are a birth/first mother, you already may know that forgiving yourself is a major hurdle. We are often our worst critics and need to learn to forgive and love ourselves. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest battle of all.
This post inspired me to look up things some great thinkers have said on the subject:
Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition, there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes.
– George Soros.
I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.
– James Baldwin.
The one who throws the stone forgets; the one who is hit remembers forever.
– Angolan Proverb.
It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.
– Lewis B. Smedes.
Many promising reconciliations have broken down because while both parties come prepared to forgive, neither party come prepared to be forgiven.
– Charles Williams.
When you forgive, you in no way change the past — but you sure do change the future.
– Bernard Meltzer.
We should be lenient in our judgment, because often the mistakes of others would have been ours had we had the opportunity to make them.
– Unknown.
I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.
- Booker T. Washington
Don’t hate, it’s too big a burden to bear.
- Martin Luther King, Sr.
Good topic!!
I am not a birthmother, but I have had to work through forgiving people who have caused me great harm in my life. (I was severely abused as a child.) What I have learned is that forgiveness is a gift that I give myself. The choice to forgive is not about the people who harmed me — it is about ME.
For me, forgiveness is not about pardon or reconciliation. (I cannot even imagine pardoning or reconciling with the people who harmed me as an innocent child.) It is not about saying that it was okay for me to be harmed. Instead, it is about choosing to stop nursing the bitterness and, instead, use that energy to heal my emotional wounds.
As long as I nursed the bitterness toward the people who harmed me, I stayed connected to them because I thought about them a lot. As I chose to let go of the bitterness, I stopped thinking about them and, instead, thought about things that made ME happy. My life became more about ME and less about what I had experienced.
I agree that it is human to continue to hate the people who harmed us, and nobody can tell you when it is time to start letting go. However, I speak from experience — freeing up that negative energy and, instead, using it to love yourself is incredibly healing and freeing.
Take care,
- Faith
I’ve forgiven my parents for their role. I’ve forgiven L, Munchkin’s birth father, for his role. I’ve mostly forgiven myself though I still struggle here…
but the agency…
that one will be a long time coming, that’s all I know.
Thanks for the great quotes Sandra – I do love quotes and those were good ones. Faith – you are so right I think – it is more about getting through and past it and going on. Definitely is not saying that it is okay either.
Jenna, I mostly have forgiven myself too – still hard at times.