e-mail
More birth parents seem to be anti-adoption than adoptees, and I do not know why that should surprise anyone. For birth parents, particularly, in closed adoptions, there are generally few positive aspects of the experience. Throw in being deceived, tricked or receiving dishonest information, and it is not surprising that some birth parents think adoption, should be outlawed.
Regardless of how hard adoption facilitators, agencies or adoption attorneys try to “play up” adoption and paint it as a “win-win” choice, few birth parents that I know see adoption in that light. I do acknowledge that the birth parents that I tend to meet are generally on-line or in support groups.
Nevertheless, sometimes I wonder how many birth parents need to stand up and say that adoption has had severe, lifelong traumatic effects on their lives before the rest of the adoption world pays attention? There are ample studies now that document the impact adoption has on birth parents and adoptees.
Most of the adoptees that I meet are in support groups or adoptees’ rights groups. I can imagine that they may not representation an accurate cross-section of all adoptees. I do know that some adoptees do not consider their adoption as a significant issue for them. Many adoptees that I know consider it an issue to deal with regardless of whether or not they happened to have great adoptive families or horrible ones.
I believe that it stands to reason for adoptees whose lives have been constant struggles to define themselves, to “fit in” have a negative opinion of adoption. For adoptees with lifelink issues connecting to others may not view adoption as such a swell institution.
For all those women who were treated as many of the women were in “The Girls Who Went Away”, why is it so surprising that many of them are not real keen on adoption? Some had worse experiences than others. I feel fortunate that I did not go through much of what the women in Ann Fesler’s book did. My reunion is better than most, I believe as well. However, I understand why some people with worse cards than mine believe adoption should not be allowed.
It has concerned me that many senior members and moderators on this site are birthmothers/first mothers who are clearly biased against adoptive parents — in particular, adoptive parents who are in closed adoptions or who oppose the birthparent pursuing contact of their mutual child when the child (even as an adult) has not expressed a desire for contact.
This attitude does make adoptive parents feel like they are “baby sitters” and the birthparents will try to reclaim the child the moment he/she turns 18.
PS I tried expressing this in the forum and the moderator (a “first mom”) deleted me and reprimanded me for being offensive to birthparents.
I am not trying to be offensive. I am just expressing the feeling I get from reading some of the responses to questions.
Honestly, I find it hard to understand how an adoptive mom could ever feel like a babysitter. I doubt that having contact with birth family makes many adoptive parents feel that way. As for birth parents reclaiming their children, that is extremely rare.
Everyone has some sort of bias according to what experiences they have had. I think contact between birth families and their children is healthy for the children. As for closed adoptions, I cannot find much good to say about them. However, that doesn’t mean I dislike adoptive parents who disagree.
MamaS,
I am an adoptive parent who chose a closed adoption and I have written about it extensively on the Adoptive Parenting Blog. Even though Jan disagrees with my position she usually leaves comments simply expressing her point of view when I post about closed adoption. I’ve never had the feeling that she was offended by anything I wrote and she certainly has never offended me. I don’t know. I just think there is a way to talk about this very, very sensitive topic without being offensive. Maybe it’s tricky. But it can be done.
I can understand birth mothers suffering for their loss and resenting the circumstances and the institution, but I cannot get the blanket anti-adoption stance some take, especially when it gets as nasty as it does in places.
Adoptees, as well, working to put a stop to ALL adoption because they ’struggled to fit in’ really bug me.
Ever since I had one 30-something perpetual grad-student adult adoptee tell me that ANYONE is better off dead than adopted I’ve had very little tolerance.
Sour grapes are one thing, but going out of your way to impose a narrow view on the rest of the world is just not on.
Although I know several anti-adoption birth moms, most of the adoptees I know are more moderate. They think there are problems that need fixing, but believe, as I do, that some adoptions are necessary.
I figure the people who are the nastiest are probably the ones who have been hurt the most, and I really feel for them. Saying ANYONE is better off dead than adopted IS about as extreme as they come. Imagine what would cause that viewpoint.
Thanks Dr. G.! I am glad to know that I have not offended you! It is a delicate dance for sure talking about hot topics.
that’s the same thing i thought! it is such an outrageous statement. what in the world could have happened to someone to make them think and really feel that way? and to feel that it wasn’t outrageous at all. whatever his or her experience was it must have been pretty awful dontcha think?
I believe that adoption should be reserved for situations where the child has been abandoned or orphaned or in extreme parental situations, e.g.where the bmom is severely mentally ill or is a criminal. I firmly believe that relinquishment because a pregnancy is inconvenient (financial hardship; bmom wants to go to college, etc) is the application of an unnatural, very damaging (to bparents, extended bfamily and adoptee) and permanent solution to a temporary problem. Closed adoption is particularly damaging. Open adoption is often a scam.