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Why do adoptees sometimes become anti-adoption? First, keep in mind that most adoptees who hate all adoption have either had enough negative experiences themselves, or seen enough other adoptees or birth parents that adoption did not serve well. Adoptees who hate all adoption are generally those who grew up in closed and secretive adoptions.
They mostly grow up with the subject of adoption being a taboo subject. If they tried to approach their adoptive parents with the subject of adoption, they were mostly met with harsh looks or sad puppy dog eyes. Most quickly learned not to bring up the subject again.
Not having your feelings or loss acknowledged doesn’t make the adoptive experience too “swell” for adoptees. If you have something on your mind as a child (i.e. adoption) and cannot talk to your parents about it, you might tend to think that something is wrong with adoption, and/or you. Many adoptees felt the need to talk about their adoption, to ask questions and feel some sadness at times. When those urges are dashed and/ or ignored, it may not make you feel positive about adoption in general.
Other adoptees were never told that they had been adopted, but found out from relatives or by accident. Late discovery adoptees (LDA) is a term that describes adoptees who find out late in life about their adoptions. I can imagine that not being told that you were adopted might impact your opinions about secrecy in adoption, and perhaps adoption in general.
If adoption has impacted your life in a negative way, it stands to reason that you may question the whole practice. Said more strongly, if adoption has been a horrific experience for you, as it sometimes is, why would you want to promote adoption? This is the reality for some adoptees and some birth parents.
To Be Continued………………………………..
Thanks for puting this all so clearly. I think all that you say really is a good overview of the source of negative feelings toward adoption by some adoptees and birth mothers. It only stands to reason that if one has had a bad experience, they won’t promote the practise or thing with which they’ve had a bad experience. What worries me is that it goes from “not promoting” or seeking changes in laws and practices (which HAS been happening for years now) and goes to the extreme of hating all adoption, promoting instead a ban on adoption. While I am a “happy adoptee,” I don’t really go around promoting, per se, adoption, but I am very glad to know that it is an option. I do defintely promote, as you say, being honest and open with adoptees about their origins and rather than making it a sore thumb, make adoption like another finger: it’s just an is.
Thanks, Jupe for your endorsement! I always feel a bit reticent speaking for adoptees, but I do know many.
Wanting to ban adoption is IMHO an extreme reaction to the hurt and pain it causes people. I cannot knock people who feel that way though as I understand why they do. However, I think reforms are more likely and a better solution.
“it’s just an is.” – Hmmm, interesting! I like Marlou Russell’s take on adoption. She says it presents another layer of issues to deal with for triad members.