e-mail
I am writing to ask if you would be willing to share your thoughts with me about adoption. After reading several blogs by birth mothers today, I have been wondering if my desire to adopt….is selfish because it will cause terrible pain to another mother no matter how well meaning I think I am….
The above was part of the email from a young mother who wanted my advice on adoption. Part of my advice to her is as follows:
Placing a child for adoption causes pain; there is no way around that. If you adopt a newborn from a woman who may have been pressured and coerced, ethically, I think you would have some responsibility for causing another woman some pain. As long as you proceed with adoption with your eyes wide eye, and have deep concerns for an ethical adoption, you will not be causing another woman pain.
When people adopt in ways that are ethical and moral, I do not believe that adopting per se is wrong. Adopting from foster care is a practice that I wish more people felt capable of doing. There are so many children waiting in foster care who need homes…..Adoption can be a very good thing if it is done right – ethically, morally, and with full disclosure to the young women considering placement for their children as to what they can really expect in the years to come. I do not object to all adoption, just unnecessary, unethical ones. Women considering placing or adopting need to educate themselves better
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My goal in highlighting issues that need to change in adoption is not to make adoptive parents feel “guilty” and convince them not to adopt. I want to educate them to strive for ethical adoptions that are really necessary.
Some birth mothers have been so scarred by adoption that they hate all adoption, and want to abolish adoption. Their anger is quite understandable to me, but I just do not agree with them that abolishing adoption entirely is the answer. Plus, I think it is not a realistic goal because adoption is too profitable a business.
I believe that adoption is a good thing for a child when it is necessary and done right. Losing a child for a mother, however, can rarely ever be described as a “good thing”. There will still be some issues and problems to deal with even if an adoption is necessary. However, unnecessary, coerced adoptions create the biggest problems. When a young woman is inadequately counseled and thinks losing her baby will involve some mild temporary discomfort, expect huge problems.
Nearly 20 years later my decision haunts me. I felt like I had no choice and there was not any support post placement to help with the loss. When I found out I was pregnant at 17 years old I went to my gym teacher who promptly took me to the school nurse. I then got into her vehicle and we went to Lutheran Family Services. The wheels were set in motion. I have a happy life now, but there is this missing piece in my life.
Have you considered a search for your child?