This is the time of year when families get together and have turkey. We are already gearing up for Christmas and I swear I just heard Christmas music the other day. For me, this time of year is bittersweet as I have mentioned previously.
I am celebrating my bio-sons 3rd birthday December 30th, and continuing the tradition Tara and I established in 2009. We get together at McDonalds, and let the boys play. I bring a cake or cookies, and I get to see Phoenix be himself. Last year Phoenix and Nick were playing together and having so much fun. The cookies Nick brought were decimated by my sweet little cookie monster(s), and everyone said goodbye and went home .
That’s where I unravel. It tears me apart to have to watch him leave, but if I didn’t know him a little, I think I would become mad. I can’t wait to see him, but the trepidation sets in. Then I am left feeling all confused. Is it worth the pain, I ask myself. Is it worth what I might go through again?
Yet I see him light up as we play together, and I see this happy, spunky little red headed boy and I feel like I know him a little better. The world has a purpose for me again. Hearing his voice on the phone, and getting pictures from time to time, make me happy and sad at the same time.
I feel like Tara senses this, so the phone calls aren’t very frequent, but worth it. The Pictures she sends when she can. with four kids in tow I can’t imagine how she does it. Really defines “me time” doesn’t it?
I think we both made equal sacrifices, though we joke around that I had the pregnancy from hell (she also has pregnancies that are very difficult). Jimmy was a surprise for both our families. My family (mom’s side) doesn’t even register he ever was anything more then a thought, whereas his family adores him.
So maybe when I start feeling bad, I can look at that. The warmth of Tara and family is absolutely something worth its weight in gold, and be grateful for what I have. Even when the weight of depression settles upon me, even when no one seems to be able to get in, I can let hope in, because hope is alive and well within me because I chose to become who I am today.