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In the words of my tenth grade English teacher, “Communication is always a problem.” Think back to most issues in your life that were negative or stressful. Did they involve a problem communicating with someone else? I know that most of mine have been a result of poor communication. Sometimes even a total lack of it! Arguments with boyfriends, bad breakups, the loss of a friend, stress between parents and myself and, yes, even “heated discussions” with my Husband have all been started or a result of a communication problem. It should be no surprise that communication within the adoption triad is not immune to a few issues. Rather, due to the often-emotional nature of adoption itself, it would be safe to say that communication issues are quite common between adult members of the triad.
So what can we do about it? We know that problems exist. We know that two people in two different situations cannot possibly see eye-to-eye at all points in time. How do we avoid knockdown, drag-out fights? How do we honestly communicate while still considering the other person’s feelings? How do we broach those “hard to discuss” topics when all we really want is for the issue to go away?
Heck if I know!
However, a few things have worked for those involved in our adoption. This is not to say that we haven’t had some issues: oh, we have! D and I just recently discussed our two past communication problems and how we wish we had handled them differently. You cannot change the past. However, you can learn from it.
The following things have helped us in our journey of open, honest communication.
1. Be honest. If you do not want to do something, say so in a polite manner. For example, if your child’s first mom asks if a visit is okay on such-and-such a date, which happens to be your Mom’s 50th birthday party, be honest and say that you have prior plans and work together to find a different date. Likewise, if you or your child are not in a place where you can handle visits for any myriad of reasons, give your child’s firstparents the real, honest answer as to why you would like to hold off for some time. On the flip side, first parents should also be held to the same level. If you are feeling overwhelmed, let the parents know. If you feel that it may offend them, be sure to say it in a polite manner.
2. Be respectful. This should not have to be said but it does, even to me. Your relationship will not grow if you are not respectful. You can be as honest as you possibly can be with the other party but if all of your honesty is presented in the form of an intense argument, angry words or outlandish demands, communication will come to a halt. Speak how you wish to be spoken to, especially if it is a touchy situation or topic.
3. Think before you speak. I am guilty of this one. Actually, in our two communication problems over the past three years, this has been my downfall. If you need time to process what the other party has just told you in a respectful, honest manner, you need to be respectful and honest to them and say, “I need a day or two to process this information. I will get back to you as soon as I can.” And mean it. Do not leave the other party waving in the wind. Also, the same goes if the other party has dealt with a manner in an angry, disrespectful way. Instead of responding in a likewise manner which only servers to further impede communication, step back from the situation and say, “I’m sorry but this conversation has taken an unfortunate turn. I will consider your words for the next day or two and come back with an answer. I hope at that point we can have a respectful and honest conversation.” It is okay to take your time. It is better to count to ten than to say something you will regret in the end. Believe me.
4. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. We are often, rightfully so, concerned with how something will affect our lives. We argue on behalf of ourselves. We do not want to feel wronged, hurt or betrayed. The question here is: do we take enough time to consider how our request makes the other person feel? Are we asking too much? Is it fair to put the person on the spot in that manner? For example, if you are asking if you can buy your placed daughter a very expensive gift and you are being met with resistance by her parents, stop to think. Why? Would it make them feel guilty? Are they raising their daughter with different values so as not to place importance on expensive gifts? Did they want to buy that for her next birthday? Just because you have been told no does not mean that you have done something wrong. Stop to consider reasons as to why you would respond in the same fashion if the roles were reversed and then, in a respectful, honest manner, ask your questions.
5. Learn to accept differences. Especially concerning the above point, we need to realize that all families are different. Just because you do something in your family does not mean that it is appropriate in another family. If you are asked not to cuss at the other party’s house, responding with, “Oh, its okay, we do it all the time at my home,” is not a positive way to communicate. It is important to learn about differences; what makes the family tick, what makes them unique. Learning will lead to understanding, which will lead to respect which, in the end, leads to better communication.
No one communicates perfectly. That fact brings us to our last point:
6. Learn how to apologize. You are going to mess up. I do. I admit it. I have spoken without thinking and because of that, I have said things that were blatantly disrespectful. I am not proud. However, I have also taken that time to think and realize how my words affected my daughter’s parents. Unfortunately, it was after I had spoken. Placing myself in their shoes, I knew that I would want an honest and respectful apology. I thought it out. I rethought it. I thought some more. Thankfully, they were forgiving. Likewise, if you are on the receiving end of an apology, take a moment to realize how hard it must have been for the other party to come to you with their tail between their legs and admit their faults. Holding grudges is for elementary school students. Respectfully tell the person how their words and actions made you feel and then accept their apology. At that point, it is time to move forward.
This is not the be-all and end-all guide to proper communication within the triad. These are general points that will help you as you try to figure out what best works in your own, unique situation. Within your adoption, you need to set personal boundaries so that some communication problems can be avoided.
We will talk about first parent boundaries tomorrow.
Illustration from images.com.
Great tips Jenna!
Thanks Coley!
I agree Jenna!