Things You Might Want to Avoid This Weekend

While I gave some ideas of things to do this coming Mother’s Day weekend, I think everyone can agree that there are certain things you may also want to avoid in the name of sanity’s sake. Of course, those things will differ from mother to mother as our experiences are all different and, as such, so are our triggers. With that said, I encourage you to identify your own triggers and assess your current place in your healing journey in order to better know what is and is not a good idea for this weekend.

Here are a list of things you might find triggering and thus might want to avoid.

1. Adoption forums and blogs. I know, I know. I routinely instruct my readers to reach out to others by interacting with other birth parents via the web. Truth is that as we go through some emotional journeys, we need to step away. As many adoption forums, including our own, are not segregated by triad position, you must realize that many adoptive mother’s will be happily celebrating with their children this weekend (as they should be!). If you find that triggering, hanging around in such a place will not be beneficial to you. Instead? Try journaling on paper this weekend. It still allows you to speak your peace but without the added friction caused by differing viewpoints amongst triad members.

2. Religious services. Yes, I realize that’s 100% contradictory of the fact that I just suggested going yesterday but, hear me out! I went to the Mother’s Day service my first year as a birth mother. I could not go the second year after placement. I was not in a place in which hearing about the joys of motherhood from the pulpit would have done me any good. Only you can assess whether or not it would be a good idea and so consider this a possible trigger and evaluate your own potential response. If you feel it’s not a good idea, consider having your own time of worship at home with music, prayer or other forms of religious celebration or meditation.

3. Baby showers. Yes, someone I know is having a Baby Shower tomorrow afternoon. I will not be attending. The day before Mother’s Day (also known as Birthmother’s Day) is not a day that I think I would be able to appropriately help someone celebrate their impending motherhood. Sure, it may sound selfish but it is simply me being honest about my own emotional healing. If you want me to attend your Baby Shower and either sit there with a grumpy look on my face or completely break down in an emotional fit of rage and sadness, sure, I’ll attend. Otherwise, it’s best for me (and maybe you?) to avoid such a thing on such an emotionally charged weekend.

4. The Mall. If you are really trying to avoid the whole Mother’s Day hoopla all together, it might be best to avoid the mall. Trust me. There will be Mother’s Day sales. Every sign will be donned in roses and pink and be offering specials for Moms. And one of our local malls even hosts a Mother Daughter Look Alike contest. I did not know that and happened upon it during my third post-placement Mother’s Day weekend. Yes, I cried in the mall. Awesome. Just a heads up on that one.

5. Your Bed. Okay, while resting and taking care of yourself should be your number one priority, I would really encourage you not to spend the whole weekend hiding under the covers. A good cathartic cry in bed, in the shower, in the car or on a person of trust can help and is even to be expected but crying into your pillow all weekend can only create for a puffy-eyed, over-tired Monday morning at work. Get out and do something, anything or just one little thing for yourself. Trust me, you deserve it. (And yes, I spent my first “Birthmother’s Day” in bed. Sue me. So, I’m speaking on this point from experience.)

Not all birth mother’s find this weekend to be hard but a large number of them struggle in one way or another, however minor or major. Please know that no matter your emotional experience or your current place in your healing journey, you are not alone this weekend.

If you need someone to talk to and want to avoid forum drama, please feel free to e-mail me at jennah at adoptionblogs dot com. While we do have some plans for the weekend, I can always reply to an e-mail to encourage another mother in her healing journey. Trust me.

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For more on holidays and birth parents, read these posts.

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