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I’ve been talking over the past two days about wills and things birth parents might want to consider with regard to their relinquished child(ren). I gave my personal reasons for including my placed daughter in my will and as a beneficiary on my life insurance. To wrap this discussion up, I thought I might give some ideas of things that could be passed on to your placed child, either now or in the event of your death.
1. Money. This is the obvious answer. Anything of value as well, such as art, antiques and other collectibles.
2. Jewelry. Do you have a piece of jewelry that means something to you regarding your child or the placement? Perhaps it is a ring with your child’s birthstone or a necklace that you were given after placement. Don’t hesitate in giving these items to a boy! Keep in mind that these are part of your child’s family history and, as such, can also be passed on to their children. Even if your child is a boy, it is part of his story and, if he has children, he could very well pass it on to possible daughters.
3. Pictures. Pictures of you. Pictures of biological family members like grandparents, great-grandparents, brothers, sisters. Pictures of the other biological parent that you may have in your possession. Pictures, pictures, pictures.
4. Family Tree & Ancestry Info. If you haven’t done this for your child, do it now. If you didn’t marry your relinquished child’s other biological parent, then your parented children and placed child(ren) have different ancestral trees. Be sure to differentiate and have copies for all of your children!
5. Books! This may not cross the mind of those who are not uber-book-nerds. But if you have a favorite book, consider giving it to your child now or willing one to each.
6. The Adoption Paperwork. Perhaps you’ve already handed over the copies of the information. Upon your death, however, you no longer have any use for the originals. Make sure the original copies are kept in a safe and locatable place to be passed on to your child. I understand the want, desire or need to hang on to the originals while you are alive but your child will no doubt find the originals to be of use or interest.
7. Any Pregnancy or Adoption Journals. Perhaps you weren’t willing to share your most private of journal entries with your relinquished child while you were alive. If you feel that your child could benefit from reading such things, be sure to leave them to your child.
8. A Note. A friend of mine, relinquished at birth and reunited in her early twenties, received a note from her biological mother after she died. Strange? The birth mother had written it shortly after their reunion and set it to be given to her daughter after her death. It was a lovely letter that brought my friend some closure during a very difficult time of what she referred to as a “second loss of her first mother.” Even if you are not in contact with your child because searches have failed or other relationship obstacles, consider writing a letter to be mailed/given after your passing.
I know the past few days have been rather morbid but I’ll say it again: parents of all types need to be prepared for the worst-case-scenario. In a perfect world, we, as parents of all types, would be around for our children at all times and would have a long time to plan all of our goodbyes and get our affairs in order. The truth is that life and death do not go according to plan. Preparing your will long before you are faced with life and death issues will make things easier for those left in your wake.
Hopefully this has encouraged all parents to consider updating (or making!) their wills.
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For more on legal issues for birth parents, read these posts.
