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The truth is rarely simple or unequivocal. Nowhere is this more evident than in adoption communities. There are a few obvious facts, but most of the issues that we tend to focus on involve opinions, not facts.
What might seem evident to one person might not seem as apparent to another. In adoption, even what you perceive to be “the truth” or facts may not necessarily be actual facts. Some people even dispute the few facts that exist in adoption. On the other hand, some people tend to want to take exception to everything and probably have a need to argue about everything.
Facts include the reality that adoption is predicated on loss. For an adoption to occur, a loss must precede the adoption. Unless you believe that babies are dropped from the sky by storks, it is a fact that every child born begins with a set of parents. If an adoption occurs, the first parents may be lost to the child forever. Hence, the child loses their first parents, and the first parents lose their child.
The truth is hard to come by in adoption. We all have our own versions of the truth, and hey, who likes to be wrong? I will be the first to acknowledge that I do not like to be wrong. Sometimes I tease my husband about how annoying it is that he is right about things more often than I am.
Many people who travel in adoption circles are often very opinionated. I actually loathe that word; it has an ugly ring to it. Instead, I prefer to say that some us of us have very strong and passionate opinions about certain topics in adoption. Being passionate sounds positive, being opinionated does not.
Yes, my hand is raising on this one as well. One ex-boyfriend once told me that I was brutally honest (or was it “brutally frank.”) Of course, he had dumped me, gone back to his ex and yet was trying to sweet talk me into hanging around on the sideline in case he changed his mind again. He deserved what he got. I accused him of trying to have his cake and eat it too, and he admitted that I was right.
We end up at times in these adoption debates with two or more people equally convinced that they are right, that their position is honorable and that the other person is totally off track and yes, WRONG. The more we try to convince them, however, the deeper they sometimes dig in their heels and refuse to budge an inch.
Have you heard the term, “Mexican stand-off?” That is what sometimes happens in adoption debates. This is a subject that has been on my mind lately and I have pondered what motivates us to be so stubborn and hard-headed at times.
However, in most cases, neither party is right or wrong, the truth is generally somewhere in the middle. The truth is elusive and hard to define sometimes, and it is rarely simple and straight forward – only part of our struggle in adoption circles to agree on anything.
Further Reading:
Photo by Jan Baker 2007
I’m looking for the middle ground myself…
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And trying to figure out how I can help my future adopted children deal with the loss…and so many other things…
There really is an underlying sadness about the whole thing.
Just noting that there is some underlying sadness for many adopted children is certainly a good step in the right direction.
Great blog, Jan.