Comments on: The Secret Fears of Birth Parents http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents A blog for and about parents who have placed a child for adoption. Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:02:45 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: soblessed http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-975 soblessed Mon, 30 Jul 2007 20:52:17 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-975 Well, Jenna, in all honesty I would say I can totally see how you would want to roll that one around in your mind before it actually becomes a real-time conversation. I think I would probably feel the exact same way.<br /> <br /> Just wondering, it sounds like your r-ship with the adoptive parents is a great one. They will be a help to with this, do you think? Well, Jenna, in all honesty I would say I can totally see how you would want to roll that one around in your mind before it actually becomes a real-time conversation. I think I would probably feel the exact same way.

Just wondering, it sounds like your r-ship with the adoptive parents is a great one. They will be a help to with this, do you think?

]]> By: Sandra Hanks Benoiton http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-974 Sandra Hanks Benoiton Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:58:01 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-974 Absotively! It's the loving-the-kids bit that counts.<br /> <br /> I have no doubt that words from a birth mom will someday sooth my children in ways I won't be able to. Absotively! It’s the loving-the-kids bit that counts.

I have no doubt that words from a birth mom will someday sooth my children in ways I won’t be able to.

]]> By: Jenna Hatfield http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-973 Jenna Hatfield Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:52:27 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-973 Sandra; *nods* As I've said for a friend of mine whose son is from an international adoption, "While I can't be your son's birth mom, I can offer advice and be there as necessary." Yet another reason why birth and adoptive parents could benefit from getting along. ;) heh Sandra; *nods* As I’ve said for a friend of mine whose son is from an international adoption, “While I can’t be your son’s birth mom, I can offer advice and be there as necessary.” Yet another reason why birth and adoptive parents could benefit from getting along. ;) heh

]]> By: Sandra Hanks Benoiton http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-972 Sandra Hanks Benoiton Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:50:06 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-972 Thanks, Jenna ... and Heather. Points well made and taken.<br /> <br /> I spend a lot of time trying to prepare for questions I know will be coming from Sam and Cj, and would consider it a real gift if they had access to the sort of answers ... and love ... you provide your children. You, yourselves, are the gift.<br /> <br /> Not to negate anything, just looking from the POV of a parent who can't have a you for my children ...<br /> <br /> Thanks, Jenna … and Heather. Points well made and taken.

I spend a lot of time trying to prepare for questions I know will be coming from Sam and Cj, and would consider it a real gift if they had access to the sort of answers … and love … you provide your children. You, yourselves, are the gift.

Not to negate anything, just looking from the POV of a parent who can’t have a you for my children …

]]> By: Jenna Hatfield http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-971 Jenna Hatfield Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:29:44 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-971 As Heather said, I think even for the most innocent question asked of why, parents need to be prepared with appropriate answers. Those answers change over time, not only because of how she mentioned our perspectives change, but with what is age appropriate from age to age. What you tell your adult adopted child might differ greatly from how you answer the questions at five, ten and fifteen. As Heather said, I think even for the most innocent question asked of why, parents need to be prepared with appropriate answers. Those answers change over time, not only because of how she mentioned our perspectives change, but with what is age appropriate from age to age. What you tell your adult adopted child might differ greatly from how you answer the questions at five, ten and fifteen.

]]> By: Heather Lowe http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-970 Heather Lowe Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:22:45 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-970 Sandra wrote:<br /> "Is it completely beyond the realm of the possible that your daughter could be happy for all the people who love her and content with her life?"<br /> <br /> Sure it's possible, but one possibility does not negate the other. Jenna's daughter could be completely content and happy with her adopted life and still wonder why her surrender had to happen or even feel a sense of loss at not living life with her first family. It's especially easy to understand how someone could potentially feel that way, given two sets of equally terrific parents, as the Munchkin clearly has.<br /> <br /> Jenna, you asked how other birthparents prepare for the big question. As for me, I think about it all the time. I write about it in my journal, and revisit the subject pretty regularly, since perspectives do change over time. Basically, there is no easy, simple answer to why. An awful lot of factors had to come together to make what happened happen. Sandra wrote:
“Is it completely beyond the realm of the possible that your daughter could be happy for all the people who love her and content with her life?”

Sure it’s possible, but one possibility does not negate the other. Jenna’s daughter could be completely content and happy with her adopted life and still wonder why her surrender had to happen or even feel a sense of loss at not living life with her first family. It’s especially easy to understand how someone could potentially feel that way, given two sets of equally terrific parents, as the Munchkin clearly has.

Jenna, you asked how other birthparents prepare for the big question. As for me, I think about it all the time. I write about it in my journal, and revisit the subject pretty regularly, since perspectives do change over time. Basically, there is no easy, simple answer to why. An awful lot of factors had to come together to make what happened happen.

]]> By: AdoptionBlogs Editor http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-969 AdoptionBlogs Editor Mon, 30 Jul 2007 17:15:53 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-969 I would never accuse you of shoddy writing. It is a great blog - and great comments. Thank you! I would never accuse you of shoddy writing. It is a great blog – and great comments. Thank you!

]]> By: Jenna Hatfield http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-968 Jenna Hatfield Mon, 30 Jul 2007 17:11:04 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-968 Lisa; <em>I hope that neither of you misconstrued my well meaning but lame attempt at support as minimizing the very huge issue that you've addressed.</em> <br /> <br /> Nope! I was just addressing your comment in case someone else came along and thought in that manner in case I <em>had</em> done a shoddy job at writing the point into the post. HA! Also, some thinking aloud came into play!<br /> <br /> Lisa; I hope that neither of you misconstrued my well meaning but lame attempt at support as minimizing the very huge issue that you’ve addressed.

Nope! I was just addressing your comment in case someone else came along and thought in that manner in case I had done a shoddy job at writing the point into the post. HA! Also, some thinking aloud came into play!

]]> By: AdoptionBlogs Editor http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-967 AdoptionBlogs Editor Mon, 30 Jul 2007 17:10:00 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-967 "The point I'm trying to make is that, regarding birth parents and this particular issue, preparing for such words, in advance, could benefit the adoptee in question. (As well as yourself since having something in mind to reply with could save your heart from completely stopping.)"<br /> <br /> And it is a point well made!<br /> Thank you (and Magic) for helping those of us who don't wear your shoes to understand the important (and life altering) issues that birth/first parents face.<br /> <br /> I hope that neither of you misconstrued my well meaning but lame attempt at support as minimizing the very huge issue that you've addressed.<br /> <br /> Again, thank you for helping not only birth/first parents but helping to educate the rest of us too. “The point I’m trying to make is that, regarding birth parents and this particular issue, preparing for such words, in advance, could benefit the adoptee in question. (As well as yourself since having something in mind to reply with could save your heart from completely stopping.)”

And it is a point well made!
Thank you (and Magic) for helping those of us who don’t wear your shoes to understand the important (and life altering) issues that birth/first parents face.

I hope that neither of you misconstrued my well meaning but lame attempt at support as minimizing the very huge issue that you’ve addressed.

Again, thank you for helping not only birth/first parents but helping to educate the rest of us too.

]]> By: Jenna Hatfield http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents/comment-page-1#comment-966 Jenna Hatfield Mon, 30 Jul 2007 16:36:40 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/07/30/the-secret-fears-of-birth-parents#comment-966 Magic brings up the point that birth parents deal with, living in the unknown: the probability that our children will struggle with the issue as well. No, they may not. Or, they may and they may not verbalize it. Or, they may and not feel it to the extreme that this quote brings with it. Or, they may actually deal with it and verbalize it in a much harsher fashion.<br /> <br /> The fact of the matter is: birth parents have absolutely no clue as to how their child will respond to their own adoption. Open or closed, the answers are unknown until the subject is verbalized or, sometimes, not verbalized. (Thus leaving the birth parent (and adoptive parents) wondering if it's a case of a happy, well-adjusted child or a case of not wanting to upset either set of parents...) <br /> <br /> Asking questions like I've done here (and will give you some "answers" to in tomorrow's post) only prompt birth parents to consider a myriad of possibilities and begin mentally preparing for such discussions. If it never happens, it never happens.<br /> <br /> I'm a Girl Scout at heart. I like to be always prepared. I don't see a problem with being prepared either. Being caught off guard could cause an adoptee to think that the birth parent never considered such questions and that the adoptee didn't matter much in the long run to the biological parent.<br /> <br /> Lots of stuff going on, no? Magic brings up the point that birth parents deal with, living in the unknown: the probability that our children will struggle with the issue as well. No, they may not. Or, they may and they may not verbalize it. Or, they may and not feel it to the extreme that this quote brings with it. Or, they may actually deal with it and verbalize it in a much harsher fashion.

The fact of the matter is: birth parents have absolutely no clue as to how their child will respond to their own adoption. Open or closed, the answers are unknown until the subject is verbalized or, sometimes, not verbalized. (Thus leaving the birth parent (and adoptive parents) wondering if it’s a case of a happy, well-adjusted child or a case of not wanting to upset either set of parents…)

Asking questions like I’ve done here (and will give you some “answers” to in tomorrow’s post) only prompt birth parents to consider a myriad of possibilities and begin mentally preparing for such discussions. If it never happens, it never happens.

I’m a Girl Scout at heart. I like to be always prepared. I don’t see a problem with being prepared either. Being caught off guard could cause an adoptee to think that the birth parent never considered such questions and that the adoptee didn’t matter much in the long run to the biological parent.

Lots of stuff going on, no?

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