“The Moment”

Birth mothers often speak of a defining moment in their lives when they experience a stark and harsh realization. Jenna recently called that time “her moment of realization;” others describe that moment more graphically (This is a family blog. I leave it to your imagination!)

Jenna’s “moment” came I believe she said a year or so after her daughter (aka “the Munchkin”) was born and placed for adoption. My moment came at reunion 32 years after my son was relinquished. That revealing moment can and does come at any time – or never.

What happens during that moment of stunning revelation? Several important realizations hit at once. The moment for me was like a violent blow had struck me and suddenly I woke up. I realized how wrong I had been to let my son go, and how much his loss really affected me. I also realized how differently my perception of adoption varied from my reality. In a sense, I felt duped, mostly by society.

Not all women have these moments. Some women realize their loss and mourn it from the very beginning. Some of us are slower on the take. For some women, the moment never comes. I have met only a few women who did not realize sometime after the fact that they probably made a huge mistake. Many also felt betrayed and deceived.

I liken the way many birth mothers feel at that moment to how a person feels when they realize that they have been scammed or robbed. They feel taken advantage of, and stupid not to have seen it coming. When that “moment” descends on a first/birth mother, it is a challenge to deal with the feelings that it brings up.

Like many birth moms in my generation, my moment did not come until reunion. For most of us, everything changes after that revelation and we must find ways to accept the harsh reality. That moment can be a stunning blow, and finding ways to deal with it are difficult at best.

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