The Missed Joys of Parenthood

We all have our own ideas of what being a parent is all about. Some events provide more joy for some parents than others. Talking to other birth parents, I have found that there are certain moments in our children’s lives that we all missed the most.

Birthdays and holidays are difficult for most birth/first parents whether they are in open or closed adoptions. However, there are simpler times which we miss as well. Jenna wrote an excellent blog recently describing how much putting her Munchkin to bed meant to her. Putting a child to bed, baking cookies with them or nursing them when they are sick are ordinary events for most parents.

It is those ordinary moments that create the bonds between parents and their children. Taking care of a sick child may not be too joyous, but it is a part of my children’s childhood that I recall with fond memories. I loved spoiling and pampering my children when they were sick. In open adoptions, some of those ordinary parenting events are enjoyed by some first/birth moms. I know that those fortunate enough to experience some of those special times realize how lucky they are.

However, it just isn’t the same as the relationships that our children’s day to day parents have with them. In some open adoptions, birth/first parents develop some strong bonds with their children. However, those bonds are different from the history created with their everyday parents.

Birth/First parents may not understand until an adoption is well underway what they will miss the most. They do find out eventually – it is hard to deal with for most birth parents.

Birth parents in reunion may profit from giving some thought to what they missed the most. There are opportunities to provide some experiences that you missed. Baking cookies for my son now is a way for me to have an experience that I missed. He seems to enjoy receiving cookies from me. The last time my son was here, we took a hike. Although I know that I cannot make up for the past, we can build new memories.

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