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I have always driven home the fact that 100% honesty, no matter what the cost, is needed in adoption. This goes for pre-placement matching and post-placement relationships. This story out of Nebraska proves the reasons why.
In short, an adoptive family was on a waiting list for two years when they were finally matched with an expectant mother. The expectant mother, like every other expectant mother considering placement, had a list of things that she wanted in a family for her child. One of her requirements was that the family wouldn’t have biological children, only adoptive children. Turns out that the adoptive mother was four months pregnant when the match was made. They knew and didn’t say anything because of a prior history of miscarriage.
Even when the pregnancy progressed, however, nothing was said. To make matters worse, their adoption agency has a requirement that children cannot be younger than eighteen months at the time of applying and cannot have a new child placed with them until their child is two years old.
The adoptive family claims not to have known this information. This is where I cry, “No, FOUL!” If you’re speeding through a town because you don’t know the speed limit, you still get a ticket. You can’t claim ignorance and break the law. Likewise, you can’t claim ignorance when you sign your name on the dotted line for an agency. You’re spending the money. Read the papers.
The Nebraska agency has filed suit against the family to have the child removed. Word will hopefully come down in that case today. The mother has also filed suit asking that permanent custody be returned to her. While there is no Nebraska statutory provision for overturning an adoption, “case law suggests that consent is irrevocable unless court finds that revocation is in the child’s best interest or upon finding of fraud, duress, or undue influence.” In this case, fraud is painfully evident. Not disclosing that she was pregnant, for any reason, when the mother specifically was searching for a family with no biological children is fraud through and through. This mother was lied to and deceived.
It is my hope and belief that this adoption will be overturned. While I believe that three months is an awful lot of bonding to have taken place already, this family acted fraudulently to get someone else’s child. For those who want to argue that the birth mother is judging them for having biological children, quite frankly, it was her right to set whatever guidelines she wanted in a family for her child. If she wanted them to have purple hair and size 11 shoe, she could make that a provision on her list of things to decide. An expectant mother considering placement has that right. These people lied to get her child.
Hopefully justice will be served and this mother and her child will be reunited. Otherwise, I don’t want to be the family explaining that they lied and then purposefully kept the child from the original mother. Nope. I don’t want to live with that on my plate at all.
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For more on ethics or the lack thereof, read these posts.
I was reading about this case last night and my first thought was if they lied (or didn’t disclose) something as big as a pregnancy what else are they hiding or being unthruthful about?
Another good question, Coley. Lies are rarely singular.
An adoptive mom mentioned that she uses an alias when communicating with her child’s birth parent, how would that make you feel? If you found out that you didn’t even know who was parenting your child after you thought you had for many years.
Julia; I’d be ticked at first. But having the experience I do with an unethical agency, I would probably be able to come to a place and realize that the adoptive mother was poorly lead in that choice. I’d still be upset that she wouldn’t have found it necessary to share after she found that I wasn’t scary, etc, but again, I would try to find my peace with that one.
I’m not condoning the action and not suggesting it to anyone. But agencies should be informing their families how important honesty is… both ways!!