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There is no question in my mind that the most difficult task for birth parents is to forgive themselves. This may strike some as surprising, because some people see no reason for us to have any guilt over relinquishing our children to adoption.
We are “supposed” to feel comforted for having chosen adoption over abortion. Some birth parents may feel this way as well. However, for many of us, abortion was never a serious possibility. Therefore, we do not find it appropriate to praise ourselves for not choosing that option, since it was not a choice that we seriously considered.
For the majority of birth parents, even if the adoption really might have been best for the child, we may still blame ourselves for not parenting our children. The guilt is about getting ourselves in the position that adoption became the answer, and/or not being strong enough to resist the pressures exerted on us to relinquish. Some birth parents realize when it is too late, that they could have, and should have, parented their child. This stunning realization is often a chilling and disturbing blow for birth parents. It presents some serious issues to resolve before there can be any peace, resolution or forgiveness.
Forgiving ourselves is a formidable task whether at reunion, or at some other point in time. When I first got the call that my son wanted contact with me, I was an emotional wreck. I was totally distraught, and had no inkling how to handle the mass of swirling tumultuous emotions that I felt. I was overjoyed at the thought of getting a chance to be in touch with my son.
Yet, I was afraid, ashamed and full of remorse. I wondered how could he not hate me for giving him away. I hated that I had done it. When I finally realized the enormity of his loss; I asked myself how could I? Why did I? The guilt that suddenly engulfed me threatened to destroy me. It was so powerful that I wondered if I could endure the profound and overwhelming raw pain – the regret, the guilt, the anger at myself.
To Be Continued………………………….
