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The fear factor in adoption permiates all members of the triad. Allowing our fears to control our decisions is a recipe for disaster. Although fear is a normal emotion and we cannot expect to never experience it, we can find safe ways to face our fears and not be controlled by them.
All sounds quite easy, but of course tackling our fears is anything but easy. Facing our fears takes courage and strength. However, making decisions clouded by our fears does not always allow us to make wise decisions. This can be true for any triad member.
I firmly believe that many women, especially in today’s society, relinquish babies to adoption partially due to irrational fears. Women who can and want to parent their children are sometimes fearful that they will be good enough parents. They may not have the confidence in themselves that they will be provide for their child financially. Instead of disarming those fears, they sometimes allow them to influence a decision to choose adoption. Later, when they are stronger, they may then realized that they allowed their fears to lead them to make a regrettable decision.
Birth mothers in closed adoptions allow fear to prevent them from seaching for their children. Their fears also stop some birth moms from attempting a reunion. They worry that it may be too difficult and painful and may “rock the boat.” Allowing yourself to love someone is a risk, and often birth mothers are terrified to allow themselves to love their child lest they leave again.
Although they survived losing their child once, some feel that the possiblity of losing them again is too scary to take the risk. Therefore, they refuse reunion and turn down the opportunity that reunion offers because they allow fear to control their actions.
Fear is a healthy emotion, but it is unhealthy to live our lives controlled by our fears. Fear is healthy when it slows us down, and makes us think and take measures to prevent negative happenings. It is unhealthy when we make important decisions when we are paralyzed and unable to think clearly because we are fear-stricken.
