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A new birth mother posted a question on the forums. Her question hit home with me and, I venture to guess, with many other mothers who have been through the relinquishment process.
When do you start feeling anything again after placing your child for adoption? It’s been three months since he was born and I haven’t felt anything since the day after I came home…
That numb feeling this particular birth mother is talking about isn’t an isolated or singular one. It has happened to many a birth mother. In fact, it has happened to many a person going through the grieving process.
I feel that this numb feeling is simply part of grief and grieving. The first stage of grief, though I feel that you bounce in and out of these throughout your life, is denial and shock. Shock, by definition, involves a disturbance to one’s system, whether physiological or emotional. Not being able to feel anything (shock) or not wanting or allowing yourself to feel anything (denial) are a part of that grieving process.
Some people stay stuck in shock or denial for a shorter time period than others while some may find themselves languishing in this phase for quite some time. To be honest, I feel that this particular phase is a defense mechanism that many who are processing grief need to employ in order to continue on with the daily functions required of them by the rest of society. The world doesn’t end because we are grieving, whether it is due to a loss via death or when we sign the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) to relinquish our children for adoption. Sometimes the weight of those things can be too much to handle and, as such, the shock and denial phase allow us room to continue living like the world wants us to but without the wide range of emotions that will eventually hit us.
However, living in shock and denial for an extended stretch of time won’t benefit you in the long run. A lot of life is left to be lived and you need to make sense of your loss. You can live outside of the numb feeling. Emotions that you begin feeling as you leave the shock and denial phase of grief can be overwhelming and that’s why, once again, I suggest therapy to anyone who is feeling stuck (in any stage of grief, for that matter) or is afraid of the range of emotions one may feel. Another suggestion was to join a birth parent support group. And don’t ever rule out the amazing group of birth parents online for you to connect with as you sort through these tough thoughts and feelings.
To be honest, I sometimes still slip back into my numb feeling as my own defense mechanism. Sometimes it really is too much for me to allow myself to feel everything. I don’t allow myself to stay there forever because, as an example, I would lose out on the overwhelming love coming at me from my parented sons. But I do understand the need to just “stop feeling” for a day or two.
Remember that you’re never alone, numb feelings or not!
I posted something about that numb feeling just now on my blog @ http://thestoryofagirl.com and http://birthmomblog/com.
I placed my baby girl almost six months ago and just now coming out of the numb feeling. Thing is I try to stay in it too, because the reality is almost too much to bear. I agree though it is not healthy to go into denial. Mine is more of a numb feeling..because she is on my mind every second of the day, but the fact that she is not “mine” anmore has not really sunk in. not sure what to call it all! It’s all just a defense mechanism though. Only time I can’t defend against the pain is in my dreams. When I wake up in the middle of the night screaming cause I can’t find my daughter..that sudden urge and impulse to run and find her and then the “what have I done!” thought is what I think my reality probably is and why I avoid it at al costs during the day. I can’t break down at work over every new baby picture or I’d be fired! Great post, thanks!
My sister was 18 when she got pregnant and placed Katlyn up for adoption. The hardest thing she ever had to do, as it was an act out of pure love for a child. It will be 20 years next month. And with each passing year the week of Katlyn’s birth the loss hits my sister and she goes into a little funk.
Katlyn has always been apart of our family though we have not seen her since she was 3 weeks old and was placed with her other family. We think of her all the time and pray that she is well. Though it’s been 2 years since she has had the opportunity to find us we have not heard a word.
As the mother of 3 adopted sons and the birth aunt of an adopted child. I often wonder when or if Katlyn will look us up. I wonder what role she will play in our lives and us in hers. My sister and parents know that her adopted family is her true family, as it is for my 3 boys. But we would love for her to know that out of the greatest love her birth family is here for her.
I make sure that the birth family of my sons are present in their lives. We talk about their birth family often and how much there are loved by them. For the pain they have of giving up their family is real and great, for it was done out of love.
It has been 19 years since I gave my son up for adoption and it is only now that I am able to begin to face it. Numb feeling is still there for me in many many ways. Things were much diffent back then. It a journey that we all have to work through I guess.